Until this. There is basketball…and then there is the fate of the World. Mascot Madness has been a tournament that decides the fate of the world. The forces of nature, beasts from desert to ocean, warriors of the human race, and creatures of legend have fought to attain the ultimate title: The best damn mascot on Earth.

For weeks, the battle has raged on. Dozens of worthy adversaries have bit the dust, leaving the Final Four to, at last, bring this epic tournament to a violent end. With a trip to the championship at stake, tornadoes, toads, tan men, and talon-clad beasts brought out all the stops…and your votes.

Here are the results:

(#5) Iowa State Cyclones VERSUS (#3) TCU Horned Frogs

Recap: Fear filled the stadium when the Horned Frogs jumped to an early advantage. Numerous cardinals, legless, disembodied, and baring their teeth, were impaled by the outer layer of TCU’s spiky toads. It seemed too easy. Spectators feared that it was simply the calm before the storm.

“There are three things we know about in Texas,” one Horned Frog player said. “Big hair, the death penalty, and tornadoes. And let me tell ya, Dicky Vitale, we were pretty scared the final two were a-coming. Oh…and Ribbit.”

The storm never came. It seems as if the Cyclones had finally dissipated into the atmosphere. Only a low, circling wind entered the arena, while wheelchair-bound cardinals cursed their teammates and attempted to roll rapidly away from the angry, hopping frogs. They didn’t escape. Like a widowed Kermit on bacon day in the cafeteria, they channeled their rage, attaching their sticky skin to the red feathers of Iowa State’s helpless birds, and redefining what it means to be horny.

At a post-game press conference, TCU’s “Big Three” (their star frogs who have carried them here) were asked what they planned to do in order to celebrate the game. Somehow, they seemed more than ready for the question.

“Bud”

“Weis”

“-Er”.

The Horned Frogs win 86-14.

(#1) Hawaii Rainbow Warriors VERSUS (#3) Canisius Golden Griffins

Recap: Over 5,000 miles separate the Rainbow Warriors and Golden Griffins. By the end of this matchup, they were only separated by 14 percentage points…which compared to the Pacific Ocean, is a pretty narrow margin.

The Canisius Golden (Blake) Griffins, as usual, came out flying. Dozens of Kia cars and LA Clippers littered the ground as the Griffins impressed with their golden glow and acrobatic ability. Then the Warriors showed up. No, not the Golden State Warriors…but instead, Warriors that don’t suck –the Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii.

Suddenly, gold was no longer so beautiful, as every color in the spectrum illuminated the sky as if a Prince concert had exploded. Just as suddenly, the Griffin’s flying height was no longer so impressive, as rainbows streaked as the balloon that the “special” kid lets go of at the amusement park. You know…right before he drops his ice cream and starts licking it off of the pavement.

But the Griffins didn’t go down without a fight. Half eagle, half lion, and ALL BEAST, feathers flew as the Griffins utilized beak, talon, and lion-loins to tear away at the Warriors. The men, clad in muscle, tan-skin, and Hawaiian leis, were overmatched.

They had to pull their last trick out of a bag –literally. The Warrior bellow of “TASTE THE RAINBOW” could be heard throughout the land. Skittles fell faster than the Griffins could awkwardly pick them up with their taloned paws. The Warriors, empowered by Skittleness, unleashed their own versions of Anthony Davis, sporting a more colorful unibrow, extending their long arms to block the Griffins from the sky.

The sugar high didn’t last long for the Griffins. They crashed, and learned a lesson that the SEC has learned all season –”Fear the Brow.” Not only did they taste the rainbow, they tasted the horrible wrath of an angry Hawaiian, and the bittersweet sugar coma of mixing Skittles with physical activity.

Rainbow Warriors win 57-43.

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THE CHAMPIONSHIP || See Full Bracket Here

The moment you’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived: The chance to get me to shut up about mascots fighting in imaginary arenas, and almost as importantly, the chance to CROWN A MASCOT CHAMPION.

It’s been a long road. A road of skittles, crippled cardinals, maimed rabbits, and drunk catholics lays at our feet. The road ahead has only one destination: the final matchup. Your votes will decide their fate. My increasingly insane mindset will decide how that fate came about. And a champion will be crowned.

 HAWAII RAINBOW WARRIORS vs. TCU HORNED FROGS

Preview: The Rainbow Warriors have an extra chip on their shoulder as they enter the championship game. They haven’t forgotten that, once upon a Muppet Movie, Kermit the Frog sang a song called “The Rainbow Connection”. In that song, the frog said,

“Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what’s on the other side
Rainbow’s are visions
They’re only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we’ve been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they’re wrong wait and see

Someday we’ll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me”

And just like that, the Rainbow Warriors’ secret was out. Kids and manic puppets alike flew to Hawaii, constantly searching and chasing after these rainbow connections. The Warriors weren’t pleased. They felt invaded. They felt betrayed. They felt belittled. Ever since, at their celebratory luaus, they’ve bitterly named the pig roasting on the rotisserie “Miss Piggy” and added frog legs to the menu. When the chief Rainbow Warrior was asked, “What do you think of the Horned Frogs?” leading up to the game…he had only one response:

“They are great with barbecue sauce.”

The Horned Frogs are pulling their own punches. Well, as much as a frog can punch, that is. Sick of being acknowledged for their unsightly skin and less than chiseled physique, they’ve vowed to tarnish the beauty of the “pretty boys” of Hawaii.

With amphibians going extinct, the Horned Frogs know that this is their year. Time is running out. Expect them to move with an urgency not seen in the amphibian race since Frogger took to the highways. Considering that the Warriors don’t drive, they have to like their chances.

On the other side, the Warriors feel that their survival is necessary to the entire Mormon race. Yes, the Mormons. According to Mormon legend, a year without rainbows signifies the end of the world. In hopes that the Horned Frogs won’t obliterate their chance of living a few more years, students at BYU, the Osmond Family, and Jimmer have reportedly been giving the Rainbow Warriors plenty of advice.

If nothing else, we know the Warriors will be ready to not have sex with their girlfriends on campus, sing badly, and hit extremely clutch jump shots.

At the aforementioned press conference, another reporter asked the Big Three Frogs, “The Rainbow Warriors say that frog legs are good with barbecue sauce…what are skittles good with?” The frogs….beasts of few words….replied:

“Bud”

“Weis”

“-Er.”

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VOTE NOW, either via the polls or by e-mailing me at corycollins_90@yahoo.com. The Champion will be revealed next week in an epic showdown. If you want your voice to be heard, comment or e-mail me with why your favorite will win in five words or less. Best comments will be featured and forever cemented in mascot history. Vote on, my friends.

SAY WHAT????

A couple of days ago (they all run together when you live hammered), I had a ‘Finkle is Einhorn’ moment only I needed not to suction my face with my plunger. I’m just wonderin’ why in the world there aren’t more colleges and universities out there with a monkey as its mascot… I mean monkeys are hilarious!!! You could have Orangutans, Baboons, Gorillas, Chimpanzes, Marmosets, Spider Monkeys, Wooly Monkeys, etc. Imagine the hilarity that would ensue betwix a roaming monkey and the kiddos at every home game!! (Look how beloved the Phoenix Suns’ Gorilla is…)

Anyhow, here’s a small sample of some of the mascots out there:

Anteaters (University of California-Irvine), Antelopes (Grand Canyon University in Phoenix AND University of Nebraska-Kearney), Banana Slugs (University of California-Santa Cruz), Boll Weevils (University of Arkansas-Monticello), Camels (Campbell University in Buies Creek, North Carolina), Cobbers (Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnesota), Ephs (Williams College in Williamstown, Massachusetts), Humpback Whales (University of Alaska-Southeast), Kangaroos (Austin College in Sherman, Texas AND University of Missouri-Kansas City), Koalas (Columbia College in South Carolina), Moose (University of Maine-Augusta), Nads (Rhode Island School of Design), Wasps (Emory and Henry College in Emory, Maryland).

Seriously, you tellin’ me out in Santa Cruz they’d rather be sportin’ hoodies w/ Banana Slugs on ‘em than a Baboon?? Come on. And the Nads of Rhode Island? Really? Do they chant “Go Nads!” at every each home game?  Boll Weevils? You WANT to be named after a beetle pest who ruins cotton harvests and Mrs. Rudy’s flower gardens?  Kangaroos and Koalas?  Why not have Crocodile Dundee as your mascot!!  Ephs?  What the Eph?!?!?!  Moose?  Shouldn’t they be the UM-A Meese?!!?  And Humpback Whales?  I’d love to hear their battle cry/chants!!

I Just Don't Get It!!

Monkeys are even fierce beasts, and one of the dominant species in all the jungle. Gorillas’ only enemies are humans, and occasionally leopards, no one else dares mess with them. There’s not an animal out there than can measure up pound-for-pound to the sheer strength of a Silverback Gorilla. Wouldn’t this be a good mascot to have? Hilarious and Powerful? Entertaining and Dangerous?

Then there’s a whole slew of schools out there who don’t even have a nickname or mascot!! Like the University of Sarasota (Florida), Allen College (Waterloo, Iowa), Bastyr University (Seattle, Washington), and Sage College of Albany (New York). Again, the Bastyr Baboons? Sarasota Spider Monkeys?? Sage College of Albany Apes???

Bastyr Baboons???

The only monkey mascot I could stumble upon was the Pittsburg State University Gorillas out of Pittsburg, Kansas. And due to such they are now in my Top Six favorite institutions of learning. If any of yall know of any more schools out there repped by monkeys, please let me know…

RESPECT & RECOGNIZE!!

Still, it’s pretty good stuff.

Florida State (45-16) set NCAA postseason records with 37 runs, 38 hits and 66 total bases, while Cardullo tied the school mark for hits in an offensive performance the football team would’ve been proud of. The Seminoles set or tied 18 NCAA, school or postseason records.

The Seminoles did a lot of this today...

“I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like it,” coach Mike Martin said. “We’re sitting there in the fourth inning and I knew we were going to a super regional.”

Jason Stidham, the regional’s most outstanding player, hit a two-run double as the Seminoles scored eight times in the first and cruised past the pitching-depleted Buckeyes (42-19), who trailed 32-0 in the fifth.

“Everything they did was right,” said Ohio State coach Bob Todd, who went through seven pitchers in an attempt to stem the rout. “Everything we did was wrong.”

The teams combined for a single-game postseason record for hits (51) and tied the mark for runs, which was previously set in Miami, Ohio’s 35-8 victory over Quinnipiac on June 4, 2005.

Ohmed Danesh homered a drove in five runs on four hits, while Mike Meschke was 5 for 5 with a homer and four RBIs. Stidham drove in four runs and led the tournament with 12 RBIs in three games.

Ohio State starter Jared Strayer allowed seven earned runs without recording an out. Andrew Armstrong, the Buckeyes’ fifth pitcher, was tagged for 11 earned runs in one-third of an inning.

“It was a great feeling,” Cardullo said. “It’s definitely true that hitting is contagious.”

Florida State will make its ninth super regional appearance in 11 years against the Norman regional winner.

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In Ohio State’s first matchup against Georgia on Friday, the Buckeyes lost 24-8. They then eliminated Marist 6-4 and Georgia 13-6 before taking on the Seminoles Sunday afternoon. For those of you that struggle with math, that means Buckeye pitchers allowed 71 runs in four games. I don’t mind watching the College World Series, but the ping ping of the bats is just ridiculous. Why are they allowed to use metal? Makes no sense. This does though:

A while back we brought you the self-proclaimed Kentucky’s best kept secret, Ernie Brown Jr. aka The Turtle Man. Well now we proudly present part two of this absolutely AWESOME sharp-beaked reptile hunter. Here is a short clip of The Turtle Man teaching a young chap (Jeff Collett) and the rest of the football team at Centre College the art of turtle hunting.

If you get impatient, fast forward to the 1:00 mark and then witness the unreality of how truly great Mr. Brown Jr. is. Witness the excitement and the adrenaline The Turtle Man receives from ‘snapping’ up one of these majestic beasts.

Also observe the astonishing knowledge of wrestling catch phrases and signature moves The Turtle Man possesses. If you ask me, he should be the next WWE superstar……. Look out John Cena, “WHATCHU GONNA DO???”…..

Let me get this strait…This chick wants me not to swap spit with anyone in college, go to class, study, AND not pass my herpes on to fellow beer pongers? All this leading to sobriety?! Worst college ideas, EVER! I may as well have stayed in high school. Let me tell you a little secret, lady: These kids DON’T CARE!

Drunkenness, sharing spit, and trading various (mostly) harmless diseases with co-eds in college made up exactly three of the four reasons I chose to attend college. The fourth reason is because I was on the run from various governmental agencies in my home state, but I digress. If I was so worried about what bacteria and virii (viruses? virusi? thats a toughie…) I was giving to, and getting from the ladies I was ponging, don’t you think I would have wiped my balls off? That’s just ridiculousness.

Another point I want to make, as hot as this doctor is that’s telling kids to stop enjoying their 4-10 years of fun and freedom before joining the work force is, she must have been one nasty broad in college. I picture her, wearing a homemade cardigan, sipping peppermint tea, with NO hint of alcohol, as her then-giant posterior swallows the chair she decides to punish. All this on a Friday night, curled up with her only real friends, John Grisham and Anne Rice. The fact that she’s dropped 300-pounds and doesn’t go in public covered in her cats’ hair from cozy cuddle time, doesn’t mean she can tell me to castrate myself and start doing charity work.

Shame on you, Doctor Petersen. In this age of terrorism and hate, why would you deprive our youth of their last few years of innocence and unprotected pong?

Congatulations Coach Gundy and we at straitpinkie.com will never be-downgrade or belittle you or any of your players. We are all adults here. That’s all I got to say. Just makes me wanna puke it took you so long to get paid.

Oklahoma State’s Gundy gets seven-year extension

Stillwater, OK (Sports Network) – Oklahoma State head football coach Mike Gundy received a seven-year contract extension Friday after leading the Cowboys to only their sixth nine-win regular season in school history.

The extension is worth $15.7 million and kicks in January 1, 2009, paying Gundy an annual salary of more than $2.2 million through December, 2015. Gundy’s current six-year deal saw him collect $1,053,000 this season.

The Cowboys finished with a 9-3 mark, having reached a top-10 ranking for the first time since 1988. Their three losses were against teams ranked first, second and third in the Associated Press poll at the time. Holding a No. 14 ranking in the Bowl Championship Series as of December 5 with an upcoming bowl appearance, OSU has a chance to become only the fourth 10-win team in school history.

“The OSU board and administration are extremely pleased with the job coach Gundy has done in moving our football program forward,” said OSU president Burns Hargis. “With the caliber of student athletes he and his staff are recruiting, and with our new facilities, the future is very bright.”

The 41-year-old Gundy is in his fourth season as the head coach at OSU and holds a record of 27-22 over that span.

“I have always appreciated the opportunity to coach at my alma mater,” Gundy said. “We have great fans, we are building tremendous facilities, we have great support from the administration and I have a terrific staff. My greatest reward is leading such an outstanding group of student athletes. I couldn’t be prouder of our players and the way they perform in the classroom, on the field and as representatives OSU.”

http://www.sportsnetwork.com/merge/tsnform.aspx?c=sportsnetwork&page=cfoot/news/news.aspx?id=4195898

Also this week we have included the FCS (formerly Division I-AA) bracket (I’m sure you are gasping for air right now trying to comprehend how in the world the subdivision of college football has a playoff but they claim it is just too impossible for the big boys to make it happen). Unlike the ig-nant BCS who end their season with polls and computers deciding champions, Division I – Football Championship Subdivision decides their champion like Division II, Division III, and practically every other NCAA team sport does, with a tournament. In December 2006 The I-AA label was replaced with FCS. Major recruits need to start going to App State or ‘Nova just to be a part of a playoff.  Then we’ll see how quick the big boys get them a tournament to determine a true champion.

To read the entire simplicity of how the FCS Playoff is put together and WORKS, go here: http://printereagle.younce.net/playoffs/inside.html

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/BCSStandings?week=5

Career Record (2-1)