The life of a Cubs fan is filled with every emotion a human can possibly endure. Whether it’s the joy experienced by watching Aramis Ramirez hitting a walk-off home run against the rival White Sox, or the frustration in witnessing Wil Nieves hit his only career home run to win a game for the unbelievably atrocious Nationals. And while our beloved team has the ability to leave a bitter taste in the mouth of Kingdom Cub upon completion of a season, it is hardly the play on the field which so deeply affects our lives. We will now examine my real live life as a Chicago Cubs fan.

The main element I devote to my squad is time. For instance, let’s assume I watch one hundred fifty (150) games per season, even though the number is far higher once spring training games and the fact I watch every single game is factored in, but I like round numbers so we’ll go with one hundred fifty. Let us also assume the average time spent on each game is four (4) hours, even though the time spent before, during, and after the game talking to other residents of Kingdom Cub about the game makes it more like six hours. 

Math time, try to follow me here. By multiplying one hundred fifty (150) games by four (4) hours per contest, we arrive at six hundred (600) hours. Now, let’s divide six hundred (600) hours spent watching the Cubs by the twenty four (24) hours in the day. By using my immense long division skills also known as a 2002 model TI-83 calculator along with my abacus as a fail safe, we arrive at our figure of twenty five (25). I spend twenty five (25) days out of the year watching Cubs games, but the math doesn’t end there. Let’s take into account the amount of years I have been a Cubs fan, which is twenty (20), and now the twenty five (25) days a year turns into five hundred (500) days of the estimated nine thousand one hundred twenty five (9125) days I have lived devoted to the Cubs. Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent over five percent of my total existence focusing on a baseball team I have never played for, in a city I have never lived in!!!!!!!!!

Yet there is more than just time spent on this team. We must also analyze my social awkwardness associated with being a Cubs fan (see the equation below proving my soon to be made assertions). I like to hit the town with the straitpinkie.com squad in search of fine ladies, but how I interact with the aforementioned fine ladies is directly related to the outcome of the Cubs game that day. For example, on a losing day for the Cubs I will be in a completely indifferent mood, which will make any effort to talk to girls very weak and usually ends with me leaving the bar in shame. By contrast, on a winning day I will go talk to the fine ladies on my own and the effort made will be solid to borderline high-quality. The winning day female interaction could even end with acquiring some fine lady’s number, but most likely still ends with me leaving the bar in shame, but because the Cubs won, it doesn’t matter.

And that’s the overall theme my friends, when the Cubs win, nothing else matters.

*Cubs Related Social Skills Equation (C.R.S.S.E.)* – C(GxF) = phone numbers acquired

F = number of females approached

G = game rating (the assumption being I pull one out of every two numbers I attempt to acquire) = 0.5

C = Cubs win = 1

There is no equation for what happens on a day when the Cubs lose because the night is already ruined.