Hey! You Joe Westin’ Tonight?

By now every sports fan knows who Joe West is. For those who don’t, Joe West is a fat major league umpire that is well known for being the center of attention. He has criticized players for playing to slow, called phantom balks, and seems to have sent every manager, player, coach, and bat boy to the showers early by way of ejection. Joe West loves ejecting people so much I hear he ejected his own son from a pie-eating contest just so he could swoop in and finish the job.

Oh, and did I mention he is a country music artist? Listening to his music sounds about as good as putting a metal bucket on your head and letting your best friend take a golf club to the side of it. But there is one good thing Joe West has given the world. He has given us the ability to ask our friends if they are planning on going out that night without even saying a word. We call it, Joe Westin!

Mr. West has perfected the art of ejecting baseball managers and players so much to the point where he has three different versions of doing so.

First, he has the “lazy man”. This is where Joe just says F-it, you’re gone. He doesn’t move a step or any other body part but basically his finger. He just points directly out in front of him and says, You Gone! This Country Joe signal should be used on a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night (or if you are alcoholics like the pinkie crew then you can do this any night) when you are kind of tired and not really feeling a crazy night. You turn to your friend and give the old “lazy man”. This let’s your friends know you are tired and wanting to go to a chill place to have a few beers before being in bed by 9:00. Basically, you just want to be lazy!

The second version of the Joe West is called “the looper”. Joe uses this when he gets a little pissed and wants to be a smart ass back to you. It’s a little more intense than his lazy man because Joe’s feathers have been a little ruffled. This signal accompanied with the words, Get the #$*@ Out of Here, and a small smirk is a common way of booting participants from a game.

The way that this signal works is you don’t move anything but your arm. You start with your strong arm upside down, pointed outward by your hip. Extend your index finger and then make a big loop as if you were drawing a 0 in mid air. This signal should be used when you want to go out and have a good time, but not get obliterated to the point to where you are getting tackled by a 400-pound gorilla woman at a bar. This lets your friends know you are ready to have some fun, dance, and take home a classy broad at the end of the night. Then in the morning, you remember everything, have great stories to tell, and can function like a normal human being the rest of the day.

The third and final version of the Joe West is called the “Javelin”. Joe uses this when he gets extremely pissed. For example, if Ozzie Guillen marched out of the dugout said some unkind things about Joe’s mama, Mr. West would explode and give the ole Javelin toss. Country Joe rarely pulls this move except for those rare occasions where he can’t control himself. I mean you have to say some pretty harsh stuff to get the javelin throw.

The way this signal works is you put your arm back behind your head like you are about to throw a baseball. You stick your index finger out and take about two hops before firing that finger forward like a javelin. This signal should be used when you are ready to go get *#&@ up! I’m talking blacked out, can’t remember a thing, why the hell did I do that kind of messed up. This let’s your friends know you are ready to party, have the time of your life, and don’t care about the repercussions. If you have ever made out with the biggest girl at the bar, stolen construction horses or traffic cones, had a biscuit nail in you the face, been tackled on the dance floor, gotten lost in the wrong parts of town, fallen over yourself multiple times, or woken up at a Holiday Inn in another state, then you have most likely Javelin tossed it before. The next day is usually hell because your head hurts and swear you won’t ever drink again, but usually you will get over it and be ready for round two later that night.

Joe West isn’t known for his outstanding umpiring skills and he sure as hell isn’t known for his country music career. But country Joe has given all of us a gift. A gift to express ourselves and let our friends know how we feel. So the next time you‘re about to go out and have a good time, ask your crew, “Hey! You Joe Westin’ tonight?”