Regardless of your team or conference affiliation, and probably even more so if you have none of the above, you are probably tired of the conference realignment saga. It seems every morning, we wake up to a hot new tip from an “unnamed source.” While everyone is curious how the dominoes will fall, just wake us up when the ink dries and everyone finishes talking like politicians.
Let’s look at this realignment fiasco on a lighter note, making it into a role play showing the characters each team and conference are portraying.
Big East: The Dude Scrambling for a Hookup at 3AM
For some reason, this guy has thrown every line in the book at every girl who has ever given him the time of day, but they just continue to walk away. As he sees a night alone on the horizon, he continues to slam shots in an effort to garner enough courage to accost a lady that he wouldn’t normally view as up to his standards. “Who are you?” “What’s your name?” If you have a pulse, you’re in. That’s the theme as he feels the laughs and finger pointing coming from his buddies on the other side of the bar.
SEC: The Old Dude Who is Super Rich
Everyone wants a piece of this guy, as his deep pockets and impeccable image make him the envy of the crowd. Wealthy as opposed to rich, this guy has ruled the landscape in recent memory, and he now wants to throw his assets to an even larger set of cronies. The sight of his dangling Benjamins force others into a trance, causing them to do things that may or may not be in their best interest.
Mizzou: The Dude Always Looking For A Hotter Chick
Last year, this guy exposed himself to one lady, only to be rebuffed for a rival fellow. Rather than a size problem, however, this guy seems to think it was shrinkage, as he’s now batting eyes at an ever more attractive woman…and she’s actually paying attention. The girl doesn’t seem to have as much in common with him as the chick he tried to woo last year, but she’s way hotter. Let’s just hope he’s not biting off more than he can chew.
Big 12: The Dude Holding on to his Past
Life was so good for this guy: Impressive physical stature, successful career, mad respect from his peers. Then, it slowly started to crumble around him. Last year, he lost a few hairs and started to show some slivers of gray coming in. Now, he’s also slipping a bit in prestige and reputation, and some of the ladies don’t seem quite as interested anymore. He’s a resilient character, however, and if he rallies, could still maintain a spot closely behind the super rich dude mentioned above.
TCU: The Promiscuous Dude
Some call him a slut, others just claim that he’s out to have a good time. Either way, you can call him promiscuous. While it’s hard not to like this guy, you just have to take his commitments with a grain of salt. You do have to give him props, however, as his new partners have gradually improved in looks and status.
West Virginia: The Dude Waiting for Sloppy Seconds
This guy typically does a good job of pulling ladies, but his current situation is appearing dire, so he’s been lurking in the shadows waiting for some other guys to leave their ladies behind, at which point he can pounce. There’s nothing wrong with the chicks he is now eyeing, as they have merely been dissed by some dudes who think they can reel in a bigger catch. Nothing wrong with being an opportunist…
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