Which Smurf has best chance to get him some Smurfette?

I imagine at one time or another in your life, you have been in a position, whether it be work, school or some kind of barbershop quartet, where there is one lil’ hottie surrounded by many, many guys. We all know at that point, the poor young girl is immediately thrown to the wolves and all of the guys make their move.

Well, perspect poor young Smurfette’s life for a second. She is the only chick in Smurf village. So, when the Smurfs aren’t foiling one of Gargamel’s diabolical schemes, guess what they are thinking?

How can I be the one to get me some Smurfette?

We take a look at the Top Ten candidates to get them some.

Immediately, you can remove Papa Smurf, Grandpa Smurf, Vanity Smurf, Barber Smurf and Scaredy Smurf from consideration. Papa Smurf could probably hit if he wanted, but I’m pretty sure he’s too busy solving the rest of the Smurf’s problems. Grandpa Smurf…well I don’t think they have Viagra in Smurf Village. Vanity Smurf and Barber Smurf aren’t hitting for obvious reasons and that’s because they’re both too busy trying to hit each other. Scaredy Smurf gets him nada because no chick, especially one as smokin’ hot as Smurfette, is going to fall for someone who walks around scared all the time. You have to nut up. Even when you are ten inches tall and blue.

10. Dreamy Smurf

Dreamy Smurf is totally different than that McDreamy douche on Grey’s anatomy. They call him Dreamy because the kid is always daydreaming and wanting to be somewhere else. But, the biggest problem with Dreamy is that he has no self confidence. He is never sure of himself and always apologizing. Smurfette definitely will not fall for his antics.

9. Jokey Smurf

Being funny is a good thing. Trying to be funny all of the time will just turn the chicks off. That is, unless he hits it big as a comic. Heck, even Dane Cook gets him some tail now that the chicks somehow think he’s funny. But, when Jokey gives Smurfette her gag gift, a yellow box wrapped in a red bow, and it blows up in her face when she opens it, well that’s all she wrote for Jokey’s chances.

8. Grouchy Smurf

Did Oscar the Grouch ever get any on Sesame Street? Nope. The grouch angle may work on some chick who is down in the dumps with her life and loves bumping some Korn. But, this is Smurf Village. Most of them are happy lil’ creatures. Smurfette definitely isn’t going to fall for a Smurf who runs around the village saying how much he hates everything. And get that scowl off of your face for once.

7. Clumsy Smurf

I know, I know, we’ve all seen movies where the clumsy and goofy kid gets him his dream girl. Evan pulled Becca on SuperBad. Joe Dirt eventually got him some Brandy. Heck, even Harry Dunn pulled a date or two with the lovely Mary Swanson. One thing that Clumsy Smurf has in his corner is that he is a trendsetter. He was wearing baggy clothes way before the cool kids started doing it. Problem is, those baggy clothes make him fall all over the place. No chick, especially Smurfette, is going to fall for a kid whose face is always in the dirt.

6. Greedy Smurf

Chicks like money. Most people with money are kind of greedy. But, this Greedy isn’t greedy because of money. He’s greedy because he loves him some food. And don’t get me wrong, the chicks like a dude that can cook. But, let’s say Greedy does somehow pull off a date with Smurfete and cooks her up some rotisserie chicken with lemon butter, asian salad and green beans. You will quickly find out why they call him Greedy. The kid is a glutton. He’ll eat it all, leave none for Smurfette and then run next door and steal Jokey’s apple pie. He’s a fat ass.

5. Painter Smurf

Chicks like the artistic type. At least for a while. Remember when Cory Matthews shared a kiss with Lauren at the ski lodge, Topanga found out, went on a date with some French loser who loved painting and you thought Boy Meets World was going to come to an abrupt halt. Didn’t happen. She got tired of the French loser’s paintings, went back to Cory and they made out on the monkey bars. Yeah, sure Painter Smurf is a brilliant artist and wears his fancy red jacket and black tie to differentiate himself from the other smurfs. But, that doesn’t have any staying power with the chicks. He might get a date or two, but it won’t last. Plus, he speaks with a French accent. Next!

4. Poet Smurf

Poet Smurf is very sensitive and artistic. Just as Smurfette quickly got bored of Painter Smurf, she will do the same with Painter Smurf. Plus, he isn’t even that good of a poet. Most the time he can’t find verses that rhyme and when he does, he usually just lucks into it.

3. Handy Smurf

Handy is the Tim the Toolman Taylor of Smurf Village. Only difference is that Handy tends to usually not blow stuff up. He is the Mr. Fixer-Upper and inventor of the Smurfs. He is our first real challenger to actually get him some Smurfette. If he wore a normal fit, he might actually pull it, but instead he chooses to wear overalls, a visor and always has a pencil in his ear. I don’t think Smufette is a fan of the overalls look and that is what officially blew any chance of Handy getting a handy.

2. Brainy Smurf

Brainy thinks he’s smart and chicks like a man with confidence. But, the problem is that Brainy isn’t always as brainy as he claims to be. And we all know how annoying a kid can be when he thinks he is smart, but he usually ends up being way wrong. That is Brainy Smurf. He considers himself the most intelligent of the little blue guys, but when they follow his lead, they usually end up with bigger fish to fry than when they started. He wears glasses and archives his so-called knowledge into volumes of books entitled, “Quotations from Brainy Smurf”. If he can pull Smurfette before she realizes he’s a poser, he has a chance because God only knows how chicks choose who they want to be with. But, as soon as she realizes that he’s not as intelligent as he claims, she will toss him out of Smurf Village just like the other smurfs do when they get tired of his shenanigans.

1. Hefty Smurf

Dude is strong and is the only smurf with a tattoo. His tattoo is on his arm  and it’s a heart with an arrow through it. So, Hefty shows his sensitive side like Painter and Poet, but then kicks their ass when they get too close to his girl. And when Brainy tries to act like the know-it-all that he is, guess who throws him out of the village. It’s Hefty Smurf. Hefty has it in the bag if he wants it. He just needs to make sure that he doesn’t fall in love with lifting weights more than pulling him some Smurfette.