Judging by the response I get when I walk the streets, I can assume two things: one, noone loves me (notable exceptions to this rule include the mothers of anyone who writes for this garbage website), and two, Pinkie patrons wanna know more about two things-drunk chicks, and the tooth fairy.
Still, I promised only one topic, and drunk chicks have it. I consider myself a bit of an expert on both alcohol and the ladies. Combine the two and there’s potential for either a magical night of anonymous fornication or a total meltdown of epic proportions, complete with assualt, battery, and of course, the requisite high-pitched cuss out. Based on past experience, there is no force on the planet more unpredictable or terrifying than a girl with too much booze coursing through her veins. These crazy broads are often found in packs, with at least one overweight monstrosity who is always described by her hot friends by saying, “She has a pretty FACE.”, or “She’s really nice.” This behemoth will unfailingly begin to believe she is hotter, based solely on the fact that she is at a bar with her 3 to 7 gorgeous friends. You must always, I repeat, ALWAYS befriend the chubby girl before breaking into the circle of hotness, and attempting to take one home.
But I digress, as promised, here is a list of things you should never say to a drunk chick, based on my observations of repeated freak-outs, and numerous attempted stabbings. These women can be the easiest prey, but you must remember that even though they seem dumber than the neighbors’ kid who always licks your car, their sensitivity to these seemingly innocent remarks/questions might just get you a drink on your crotch.
1. Why does your fat friend smell like cat piss?
2. What color is your real hair?
3. Killer boots…do you like stripping?
4. I love you single mothers…
5. Did you fart? (Not even if you KNOW they just did)
6. You’re married?! That’s ok, so is my wife.
7. My nickname is “Johnny 8-inch”. (Not going to piss her off, just sad that you’re lying to a complete stranger)
8. I didn’t know chicks grew mustaches, too!
9. I like thick girls. (even if meant as a compliment in general, girls think this is insulting or something, i dunno…)
10. You’re pretty hot, even without decent boobs.
It’s important to note here that these are general guidelines to follow. In some instances, these may be your best pickup lines, depending on your analysis of how nuts your ladies happen to be.
One more sidenote, the girls that may seem like the most fun in the bar can be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, or cut you up with their fingernails-and not in a good way. They’re loud and dressed like hookers for a reason-it’s ladies’ night. Ladies’ night means there’s a penis force field around them, and even if you manage to catch a girl’s eye, her friends will rooster block you all night long, so you don’t “ruin ladies’ night”-whatever that means…
Anyway, have fun out there, and happy hunting-just remember that as hot as she might seem, there’s still a chance she could be a man. Try living that one down.