Things That Piss Me Off: Toads

You are a stupid amphibian. At least FROGS can escape an 8-yr old boy, but not you. You effing suck. I’ve seen you captured by girls, 3-week old puppies, my “special” 6-yr old niece, and an effing LEPRECHAUN!

They don’t even exist, you disgusting piece of crap. Next time, try getting away, you worthless little freak.

I’m still not sure if the wart I got on my thumb way back in third grade was caused by your STUPID pee all over my hand, but you’re guilty until proven innocent in my book, you bumpy little turd. Yeah I’ve also heard that’s an urban legend, but I saw your perverted little grin when you sprayed your gay wart fluid onto my fingers.

Sally checked “No” in the box when I asked if she liked me. When I asked why, she wrote “Because you hae lumps all over yor hand.” Sure, I probably dodged a bullet with that chick, but she could be hot and rich right now. I’ll never know. I hate you. You probably don’t have any natural predators because eating you would make the other animals DUMBER!

What can you do?! Do you have any special skills?! No? You’re the Paris Hilton of animals. You’re only recognizable because you’re stupid. She’s pretty hot, though, and had her own sex tape, so I guess she’s probably kinda famous from that. Okay, she was a bad example.

You’re more like Cher. You’ve outlived everyone’s interest in you.

I watch Discovery Channel. You’re never on there. Know why? BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT INTERESTING! I hope you all get run over by a big truck on a city street and crows peck your stupid, flat eyes out. You really piss me off.

If you’ve got anything that pisses you off, send it to me. If it’s funny and also pisses me off, I might write about it. My new form of therapy is calming for me, and with any luck will provide some laughter for you. Another reason it’s good to be Pinkie management.