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Things That Piss Me Off: Skinny Jeans on Boys

You look RIDICULOUS!There’s no way you’re serious, you pube-less little turd. I don’t want to see the outline of your stupid chicken legs, ask your mommy to buy you some big boy clothes. Your jeans look like they were sprayed on with a latex applicator. I can actually see the outline of your penis, that pretty much makes you a homosexual exhibitionist.

Nobody wants to look at your underdeveloped, pre-pubescent body. Wear some clothes that fit, and try to quit being such a douche. In case your absentee father never told you, allow me to educate your delinquent ass. Women wear tight clothes so we can ogle their curves. Men wear clothes that are functional and comfortable. I bet you have trouble going up stairs, those leggings you’re wearing are too tight to allow full range of motion.

Wipe the effing guyliner off your gayass eyes and stop trying to look like an angst-ridden pop star. Pete Wentz isn’t cool enough to pull off the look you think you’re rocking. What makes you think that anyone gives a fat dump that you want to be different? Everyone your age wants to be different, and all you juvenile bastards end up looking the same. Gay.

The wallet chain connected to your empty wallet (get a job, you spoiled bitch) screams to everyone around you, “I think my band is totally gonna make it big, but we have no talent and I secretly want to kiss Lance, my lead guitarist!” Once you move out of your hometown (or should I say ‘if’…) take a peek around at the successful, non-toolbag adults around you. Nobody is wearing those stupid asshole skinny jeans. Ask your overprotective mommy to take you to the mall, so you can hang out with your friends and be individuals. Then, you can all make a collectively individual decision to start a new “cool” style: nuts on the outside. As gay as that is, that would be cooler than the faggy style you’re rocking right now, and at least it’ll be funny for a little bit.

Those of us who saw this fashion coming figured it was an ironic joke you were playing on your parents. Your dad cries himself to sleep every night, wondering why you can’t play sports like a normal boy. If it wasn’t so sad and irritating, we could all have a good laugh about it, then donate the jeans to all the pant-less 6 year old girls of the world.

Long story short, you look like a malnourished bird, and the swagger you think you’ve earned only reinforces the parody you’ve made of yourself. Make sure you text this to all your friends, I’m sure your whole adolescent group is probably as stupid as you all appear to be. You want to be a cool individual? Get a full-sleeve tattoo. Don’t half ass it. Speaking of half ass, yours is hanging out of your pants. Stupid skinny jeans, you really piss me off.

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13 Responses to “Things That Piss Me Off: Skinny Jeans on Boys”

  1. stella November 17, 2009 at 5:28 pm #

    “In case your absentee father never told you, allow me to educate your delinquent ass.”

    That is golden.

  2. Carl H November 17, 2009 at 6:38 pm #

    “you look like a malnourished bird.”
    Great work Dirky. Them jeans, understandably, really piss you off.

  3. allets November 18, 2009 at 5:25 pm #

    Your mad because you can’t fit in any.

  4. Spanky November 18, 2009 at 7:12 pm #

    you should give them a chance atleast :/
    theyre comfortable once you break em in.
    and also i work a day job and pay for my own clothes D:

    you stereotyping bastard

  5. Hall Monitor November 19, 2009 at 7:57 pm #

    I agree!

    Check out this story on http://detentionslip.org about a school in Texas that is banning ALL skinny pants!

  6. Maximilliano April 20, 2010 at 3:35 am #

    Professional weblog, kudos for writing this report

  7. Matt August 21, 2010 at 9:19 pm #

    If you wear skinny jeans, you are gay, thats it

  8. ken October 3, 2010 at 6:43 am #

    you seem to think being gay is a bad thing. why?

  9. Jim January 20, 2011 at 11:54 pm #

    I bet ur one those person that doesnt even give a chance to anyone but ur self gay fag and stop complaining bitch

  10. crikey February 28, 2011 at 11:30 pm #

    Cool story bro…I liked the part where you stereotyped men with different style the yours.

  11. eric August 21, 2011 at 5:06 am #

    wtf???? people wear what they want. would like to be judge by what you’re wearing?

  12. Foto Foto Lucu May 19, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

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  13. erik October 26, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    Can you think of a reason why people shouldnt be alloud to where skinny jeans that isnt just pure opinion? Why cant people wear whatever they want. Its a style. Its not like they are going out and killing people. They are very comfortable once you get used to them. And as long as their non super skin tight, then they dont cause harm to the person wearing them either. So all in all, your just someone who wants to complain about todays trends and styles because your close minded and refuse to look at things from perspectives other than yours. In no way do guys have to follow the “practicle and comfortable” route just as much as girls dont have to follow the “sexy and skinny” route if they dont want to.

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