Things That Piss Me Off: Skinny Jeans on Boys

There’s no way you’re serious, you pube-less little turd. I don’t want to see the outline of your stupid chicken legs, ask your mommy to buy you some big boy clothes. Your jeans look like they were sprayed on with a latex applicator. I can actually see the outline of your penis, that pretty much makes you a homosexual exhibitionist.

Nobody wants to look at your underdeveloped, pre-pubescent body. Wear some clothes that fit, and try to quit being such a douche. In case your absentee father never told you, allow me to educate your delinquent ass. Women wear tight clothes so we can ogle their curves. Men wear clothes that are functional and comfortable. I bet you have trouble going up stairs, those leggings you’re wearing are too tight to allow full range of motion.

Wipe the effing guyliner off your gayass eyes and stop trying to look like an angst-ridden pop star. Pete Wentz isn’t cool enough to pull off the look you think you’re rocking. What makes you think that anyone gives a fat dump that you want to be different? Everyone your age wants to be different, and all you juvenile bastards end up looking the same. Gay.

The wallet chain connected to your empty wallet (get a job, you spoiled bitch) screams to everyone around you, “I think my band is totally gonna make it big, but we have no talent and I secretly want to kiss Lance, my lead guitarist!” Once you move out of your hometown (or should I say ‘if’…) take a peek around at the successful, non-toolbag adults around you. Nobody is wearing those stupid asshole skinny jeans. Ask your overprotective mommy to take you to the mall, so you can hang out with your friends and be individuals. Then, you can all make a collectively individual decision to start a new “cool” style: nuts on the outside. As gay as that is, that would be cooler than the faggy style you’re rocking right now, and at least it’ll be funny for a little bit.

Those of us who saw this fashion coming figured it was an ironic joke you were playing on your parents. Your dad cries himself to sleep every night, wondering why you can’t play sports like a normal boy. If it wasn’t so sad and irritating, we could all have a good laugh about it, then donate the jeans to all the pant-less 6 year old girls of the world.

Long story short, you look like a malnourished bird, and the swagger you think you’ve earned only reinforces the parody you’ve made of yourself. Make sure you text this to all your friends, I’m sure your whole adolescent group is probably as stupid as you all appear to be. You want to be a cool individual? Get a full-sleeve tattoo. Don’t half ass it. Speaking of half ass, yours is hanging out of your pants. Stupid skinny jeans, you really piss me off.