Things That Piss Me Off: Politicians

You out-of-touch, power-hungry son of a bitch. It continually amazes me and the rest of the American public that you can tie your own shoes, let alone run a country. Your “wide stances” and “Yes, we can!” slogans are only further proof that you don’t deserve to have a say in what you eat for dinner, but you think that we’re on board with your stupidity and are happy with anything you throw our way.

Stimulus? I’ve got your stimulus right here. How about this: we trade salaries for a year, and I promise to spend more money on booze, hookers, and Vasoline. I know for sure that the first thing on my list is an effing Snuggie. Those things look delightfully warm. With my Washington power broker check, I undoubtedly would be happy as a clam. I’d probably hire some expensive ass call girl to stay in my expensive hotel and rub lotion on my thighs, while I spank her and call her Lexus. Not because I like that name, but just because that’s what she told me to call her.

Your “reform” bills are just another way to compromise your own personal beliefs, while accomplishing next to nothing. Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Hell – I’d even settle for a fat ass Taft to come in here and clean house in the Capital. As an American, I’d like to formally let you know that we’re disgusted with your dumbassedness. Not a word? Let’s pass a law making it a word instead of DOING SOMETHING MEANINGFUL.

I think each and every one of you should spend a day with Cliff. Instead of being pandering, compromising, douchey aholes, maybe you’d start acting like real men. As for the women in politics – because God forbid you’re not mentioned in the same breath – the only reason you are able to “play with the big boys” is because you’ve given up on everything that makes you a woman.

Instead of being nurturing, warm, and good you’ve turned into terrifying ice queens who won’t stand the slightest perceived disrespect. Here’s a thought: the reason no one respects you is because you’re not SUPPOSED to be bitching at the other women over your “pet” laws. Get back to the kitchen. You’re probably a lousy cook, though, since you’re a dried up old crone who never learned to love. That would be a heartwarming Disney movie if you weren’t so terrifying – the cold, dusty hag who backstabbed her way to the top learns to love again. It’s a beautiful and unrealistic premise.

Anyway, to each and every one of you politicians: stop being turds. You are in charge of the greatest country in the world, and each election you manage to diminish it a little more. What a bunch of wieners. Politicians, you really piss me off.

Congrats to John Boehner, who will become the first Orange-American to be the majority leader in the House.