Things That Piss Me Off: Pimples

You irritating skin blemish, I’m gonna squeeze you until you explode. I’m gonna pinch and twist and scratch at you until I get some sort of satisfying pop of disgusting white crap shooting onto the mirror. You serve no purpose other than to make other people think I work in a fast-food restaurant, or spend my days smearing Crisco onto my face. I hate you. There’s no doubt in my mind that whatever those skin-cleaning creams and gels do, they make me happier knowing that the human race is working together to destroy the scourge of your existence.

I wanted to take a second to sarcastically thank you for ruining my date with Jennifer back in 10th grade. Her parents were loaded, and last time I heard, she was sailing around the world on their dime. She got into modeling, because of her incredible hotness, and had a crush on me. Thanks for showing up the night before I was going to do my damndest to bang her. I could be somewhere in the tropics, soaking in the sun and performing sexual gymnastics with the hottest woman I’ve ever met, but instead she took one look at you, in all your greasy, pus-filled glory and said “What the Hell is on your face?!” Great start to THAT relationship, you zitty prick.

If you have pimples, listen to strait yump Julianne Hough, and get Proactiv.

I don’t know what’s worse: that you decide to show up on my body the day of every single significant event in my life, or that you somehow manage to find the most conspicuous and inconvenient spot on my face. Don’t even get me started about that time you plopped down right on the end of my nose. You were entrenched in that beast, and no matter how hard I tried to end your yellowy-white reign, I only ended up with tears streaming down my face and cursing the name of Pimple.

Since I hate you SO very much, I’ve decided to deal with you mercilessly from now on. I bought a knife and the world’s sharpest melon baller. I will remove you with no remorse, despite the cost to my generally fair-featured face. You are my nemesis, and I will destroy you, Zit. Just try that move again where you camped out right on the border of my lip and face. Try it, I dare you. I’ll cut BOTH my lips off, and piss on your bloody carcass. Pimples, you really piss me off.