Things That Piss Me Off: Lefties

Quick statistic for you: each year one billion left-handed people are injured every year from using right-handed products. Left-handed industrial workers are 5 times more likely to finger amputations than right-handed people. Even your own brain subconsciously wants to cut your stupid left fingers off. You idiots can’t figure out that you’re using the wrong hand for the task you’re screwing up. As if that wasn’t enough, left-handedness is called “sinistrality”, as in SINISTER. You’re evil. Case closed. Amazing. I want to punch you in the face with my right hand.

Guess which one's gay...

Look up “right” in the dictionary. It means CORRECT. You effing left-brained bastards can’t figure out that you’ve been doing everything backwards your entire lives. I can’t believe your parents didn’t hit you more. They really meant it, though, when they told you that you are “special”. You’re special, all right. You’re the window-licking, booger-eating, mouth-breathing, drag-one-leg-behind-you when you walk sort of special.

Be normal and right-handed, or else...

You bastards think that normal people should have to cater to your brain disease by making left handed scissors. Here’s a thought: stop being left-handed. In some languages, they don’t even have a words for right and left hand. Their words mean “food hand”, and “poop hand”, because they eat with their right hand and wipe themselves with their left. You use your poop hand as your primary hand. That’s sick.

There’s a reason that such a relatively high percentage of you fairies are pitchers in Major League Baseball. Normal people can’t hit your stuff, because it’s NOT NATURAL. Every other species of animal smothers their young with hilariously ironic human-print fuzzy pillows if they show the slightest inkling of using their left paw. Nature doesn’t play around with the possibility of you people taking over, and neither will I. Consider your whole alien species, or whatever you are, warned.

Next time I see one of you creepy weirdos shoveling food down your wrong-sided whine-holes in a restaurant, I’m gonna kick that fork down your spaghetti-loving throat.

You really piss me off.