Things That Piss Me Off: Decaffeinated Coffee

Why do you exist, you worthless molten liquid? The purpose of coffee, the family of drinks you claim as your heritage, is to provide an effective and delicious delivery vehicle for caffeine to the working class. You’re the equivalent of that crappy bubble gum antibiotic liquid without any medicine. Nobody wants to choke you down with no benefit. Because you’re lacking one crucial element, you shouldn’t even be allowed to call yourself coffee. Eff you, decaf!

Decaf, I wouldn’t even be so mad at you if you weren’t so ridiculously pervasive. Everywhere I go, I see “Decaf this!”, and “Decaf that!” Nothing pisses me off more than half-assing something, and decaffeinated coffee is the definition of half-assed. Monster Energy drinks got one thing right with their disgusting-tasting slime: more caffeine is better. Along those same lines, less caffeine makes people into homosexuals. That’s right, I said it. You don’t hear any strait men ordering a “half caf, triple cream macchiato” at Starbucks. Coincidence? I think not.

You’re like a body with no bones. There’s absolutely no substance to your effing stimulant-free self. I hate you. One thing that pisses me off more than decaffeinated coffee is when some blundering douchebag wastes the time of the coffee maker at work to brew a pot of what is essentially colored water. What benefit do you get from drinking this? Ulcers? Fan-effing-tastic, your stomach’s upset, and your stupid sleepless ass is still dragging all day long. You deserve it.

Don’t even get me started about that one time when an anonymous roosterbite brewed decaf in the WRONG POT! Brown is good, and that stupid orange color means you’re an idiot. Segregation is still alive, and in some cases deserved. You dumbasses have your own ‘coffee’ pot for your douchebaggery. You may as well drink tea, like a prancing Englishman. Careful, though – that Earl Grey you’re swilling might actually have a wonderful stimulant, and could possibly make you the slightest bit productive today. We wouldn’t want that. Decaffeinated coffee, you really piss me off.