Things That Piss Me Off: Coworkers

Get out of my cube. Now. I don’t give a flying dump about your kids’ soccer game last night. Your kids are ugly. I’ve seen their pictures on your stupid, neatly organized desk. Your daughter is going to be a total slut, and your son looks like he can’t comprehend simple math. I doubt either one is a sports superstar. Chances are, your faulty genes have doomed them for life. Nice going, baby ruiner.

I swear if you come over here once more to waste my time with your stupid puns and irritating laugh, I’m going to punch you right in the baby maker. There’s a reason your wife left you. Nobody on earth can stand you. Don’t tell me you don’t notice your scent? It’s a mixture of unwashed body, curry, and fart. If you insist on eating Indian food EVERY SINGLE DAY, then keep your nasty digestive system locked away at your own damn desk. Thanks for being a complete a-hole.

I don’t give a tinker’s damn about who’s banging who, and what the secretary on the third floor told you about what’s-her-name. Your gossip is stupid and old, and I honestly don’t give a $%&*. I’m bored listening to you, and I don’t know why you think I’m interested. You’ve been blathering on to the back of my head for 20 minutes, and how do you think you’ve picked up the subtlest hint that I want to hear more?! I haven’t even bothered to turn and face your stupid ass to facilitate communication. Your pet effing parakeet could see that I want you to leave. Get out. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GETTHEEFFOUTOFMYOFFICEYOUFILTHYPRICK!

Speaking of which, who in the Hell has a pet parakeet? It’s the most worthless pet ever, unless you just want to hear your own words spoken right back at you! Your narcissism is breathtaking, you giant pile of pig turd. It’s not enough to listen to yourself prattle on like a nervous sixth grade girl for 18 hours, you actually want to hear an animal mimic your nasally, irritating voice? The only thing that could be worse is if the stupid animal learns your laugh. I don’t understand how a human can make the sounds/wheezes/high pitched squirrel squeals that come out of your deformed body when you’re amused. I want to punch your laugh. It’s that bad.

I don’t understand why you can’t be more like ANYBODYelse in the world. Look around you at all the other normal people in this room. Is it too much to ask for you to try to imitate actual normalcy for just a few hours out of the day?! If I knew karate, you would be unconscious right now. Where’s that Asian guy in accounting? He’s got to know some martial arts, maybe he’ll teach me…

Until I can master the ways of the ninja, just stay the Hell away from me. Get in your stupid 1992 Honda Accord and drive your stupid ass to anywhere that isn’t here. Coworkers, you really piss me off.