Things That I Simply Adore: Toilet Paper

What would I do without you? You’re a wonderful, soft and delightful alternative to using my own hands to clean myself after a long and dirty bowel war. That’s not sanitary. Because of your awesomeness, I never, ever have to touch my own feces unless I’m wiping really hard after a gurgly poo, and my finger pokes right through you. Totally my fault, don’t blame yourself. You keep me pretty close to sanitary back there, and I appreciate that. Who made you? How can you be so mundane, yet so earth shatteringly (hehe, shat) important? Your mysteries boggle my mind, but I feel safe with you.

You have so many uses, yet are overlooked by all. I’m here to change that, toilet paper. I’m going to start a group on Facebook dedicated to getting you all the respect that your silky white folds deserve. I bet I’d have at least a solid dozen friends in just one day, because they would look at their online account and would be suddenly struck by the majesty and innovativeness that is toilet paper. Twelve in one day doesn’t really sound that great, toilet paper, but it’s really a lot. That’s like three times the total number of friends I have on there.

Anyway, TP – wait, can I call you “TP”? Good.

TP, as our man-made and cotton-derivative technology advances, you will only become more effective and comfortable. I’m not sure that’s possible, but one can only dream, right? I picture a day in the future, when my buddy, toilet paper is available to everyone in the world for no charge. Out of your own generosity, you would donate yourself to developing countries and ghettoes. Ghettoes need TP too. That be a great bumper sticker: “Ghettoes need TP, too!”. I’d buy one.

Toilet paper, you really are man’s best friend. Woman’s, too, because they get to use you every time they even go pee! I usually just shake the last drop off the end, but girls can’t do that, because they were born with different parts. Once again, you really make a difference. Toilet paper, I simply adore you.