Things That I Simply Adore: Thumbs

Hey Monkey! Know who’s better than 99% of the animal kingdom? This guy ————————->. I can’t wait to run home and use some tools, because look at that stupid cat – no opposable thumbs. Here kitty kitty. I’ve got a hammer for you, CATCH! Oh…you don’t have the physical capability to catch a hammer? Too bad, you should’ve told me before I whizzed that sucker. Enjoy your wheelchair, stupid cat.

As I write this delightful piece of tongue-in-cheek literary crap, I can’t help but notice the ease with which I can strike the spacebar. IfIhadnothumbs,everythingIwrotewouldbeanextensive,meaninglessjumbleoflettersthat
peoplewouldhatereadingevenmorethantheyhatethiscrapnow.I’dbesurprisedifanyone
madeitthisfarintothisridiculousrunonsentence.Thewordofthedayiscornucopia. Thank you thumbs, you make my compositions slightly less convoluted.

Thumbs, you make my life livable. The ability to use tools is what makes primates the dominant group on the planet. Tool usage, and our awesome ability to think and reason. Suck it, apes! Even with an opposable thumb and the ability to use tools, those stupid animals don’t use their God-given appendage to wipe themselves with toilet paper instead of traipsing around with dingleberries danglin’. Gross.

Gestures would make no sense without these delightful phalanges of mine. The only usable action I could throw up with no thumbs would be the Finger. That beastie is overdone, and don’t even get me started on the Super Finger. Every positive signal I can make with my hands involves my wonderful thumbs, from the “A-OK” to everyone’s favorite standby, the “Thumbs Up”. Thumbs (and especially my wonderful opposable thumbs), I simply adore you.