Things That I Simply Adore: Spandex

Oh delightful, synthetic fabric, you have yet to disappoint me. Your ability to encase various parts of the human anatomy perpetually amazes me. Red, purple, gold, or neon green, your diversity shames me even though I have black friends.

Spandex, you’ve been so good to the people of earth. Though you are obviously the product of a far more advanced alien civilization, you have always treated us lesser beings with respect and dignity. Well, except those of us who choose to swaddle our cellulite is form-fitting unitards. Those chubby monsters deserve the stunning light of day to shine on their numerous and disgusting rolls.

With the help of your alien inventor, Richard Simmons, you have singlehandedly taken over all fashion on our meager planet. Allowing athletes the gift of your incredible compression abilities, you have allowed us to scientifically break countless records because of something to do with blood flow to muscles. I don’t know. I don’t really understand your awesomeness. I’m pretty sure even our astronauts experience your incredible comfort in our own search for other worlds to colonize. They might not, though, I’ll have to Google that and get back to you with a definite answer. If they don’t, though, they’re stupid. NASA should realize the overwhelming potential you carry for the advancement of the human race.

Thanks for being the coolest fabric ever, Spandex. I have noticed that you are now finally being incorporated into womens’ jeans, so the otherwise inferior fabric can hug the butt curves of our hookers and young, disillusioned hotties. I can think of no nobler cause than bringing joy to millions of young, adolescent men everywhere. You’ve singlehandedly caused billions of erections in high school across the world, covered only by a book or Trapper Keeper pulled quickly and discreetly in front of genitals. Well done, you wonderful, space-age textile.

I could sing your praises all day, but I have to go. My 58-year old neighbor, Glenn has just stepped outside to stretch for his daily run, and guess what he’s wearing?! That’s right, he’s sheathed his entire, middle-aged, jiggly lower body into the comfort of your all-encompassing hug again. I have to go watch this, it’s priceless. Thanks again, Spandex, I simply adore you.