Things That I Simply Adore: Garden Gnomes

You are so jolly, yet so mysterious. Why are you standing next door in Hank’s flowers? That is the confusing and beautiful way of the gnomes. I think it’s pretty obvious, Mr. Gnome. You’re the best in the world.

I have never seen a hat redder than yours. It’s like someone sucked all the blood from the hottest chick on the planet and painted your erect little gnome hat. Except not exactly like that, because that’s just plain crazy. And I think illegal.

I will call you Oggie. I won’t let anyone shorten it to plain ‘ol Og, you are too wonderful to have a stupid nickname. What do you want to do today, Oggie? What’s that? You want to bring joy to all the people of the land? Mission accomplished. My heart smiles in the warmth of your twinkly, wise eyes. Haha! Look at that, you made me rhyme! “Wise eyes”! Oggie, you crazy.

I like your blue smock. I guess that’s what it’s called-a smock? Your red hat and blue smock will never go out of fashion. Timeless style, that’s what you have. You’re like George Clooney. Fashionable and charming, and smart enough to stay single so you can bang all the hotties that throw themselves at you daily. I bet you get SO much lady gnome tail…lucky!

Do you feel appreciated over there in Hank’s rododen rhodudendrum roses? I don’t know if Hank can love you like I do, but if he can make you happy I will gladly step aside. I promise on the graves of my two mommies that I will always protect you from the neighbor kids who try to steal you to take pictures with you in crazy places. That’s not funny. I’ll cut a bitch if I have to, as long as you are safe.

I saw that you got a job with Travelocity. That is so cool. You are the most famous person I know, but I loved you long before the fame. I know you know that. You are really awesome in those commercials, always running around the world, doing crazy things. You’re one awesome gnome, Oggie. I simply adore you.