The Top 25 Stupidest Fads of All Time

Let me start off this list with a little disclaimer.  I realize you remember fads and trends differently than I do.  If you don’t like my list or my reasons for thinking these fads are stupid, leave your own thoughts in the comments.  If you want to send me a complaint or hate mail, feel free to shoot it on over to dirk@straitpinkie.com.  I’ll print it out and ridicule you to my friends, who outnumber your friends, by the way.  Use the internet to look up porn, that’s why it was created.  Anyway, here’s my list of the top 25 stupidest trends, in no particular order.

1.  Slap Bracelets

Stupid.  I get it, you whack it down on your wrist, it curls around and turns into a bracelet.  Still stupid.  It didn’t help that they only came in God-awful neon colors, or with ridiculous designs all over them (remember the stupid yellow one, covered in smiley faces?  Thanks Walmart…).  I had some, but regret it now.  To be fair, I used them more to fight with other boys than as a fashion accessory.

2. Women not wearing bras

Unless you’re a flat-chested A-cup, you need to wear a bra, ladies.  Even if you ARE a flat-chested A-cup, you need to wear a bra, so you have something to stuff with toilet paper or water balloons.  Be creative.  Regardless of your cup size, your comfort is irrelevant to the discussion.  With no bra, you look plain NASTY, unless you’re a 20-yr. old college student with perky little sweater puppies.  If you are, keep wearing that bra, so some lucky guy can enjoy your perky mammaries, while the rest of you melts away into wrinkles and folds.

3.  Pulling up the legs of your sweatpants so your calves don’t overheat

Maybe this was just my group of friends, but I doubt it.  This is where you pull your sweatpants up and let the elastic hold them, exposing about 6-10 inches of calf skin.  Weird and gross.  If you’re sweaty, wear shorts.  I can’t even really get over how effed up the 80′s and 90′s were.

4.  Wearing sweatpants, period

Do I really have to get into this?  They’re hot, ugly, and the elastic at every possible opening couldn’t be any more ridiculous.  If you’re too fat to fit into normal pants, go on a diet.  Better yet, get off your stupid Hoveround scooter and walk your fat ass through Dollar General.

5.  Celebrities naming their children

It’s your child, not a fashion statement, you self-absorbed douche.  Not everyone knows who you are, and even fewer people will know your child.  Oh wait, you named them Moonglow Banana Intercourse?  Like they don’t have enough baggage being the only 6 year old with a chiseled jaw and sculpted abs?  It’s too bad only 3% of celebrities can read (scientific fact), otherwise Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t need her housekeeper to let her know what this says.

6.  Tight rolled jeans

I know you probably did this same thing if you lived through the 80′s/90′s.  Worst.  Idea.  Ever.  How could you look yourself in the mirror, with your stonewashed jeans rolled so tight your toes are numb and your scrunched socks are showing, and think “That is radical”.  The only reason I ever did this (promise) is because in 7^th grade, the girls would do it for you.  Thank you, Brooke and Kristen.  Some of my first underwear smiles came from looking down at the back of your head while you twiddled with my pant cuff.

7.  Equal pay for women

HAHAHAAAA!  Look how many of you ladies reading this just got PISSED!   Oh wait…there’s only two women who even glance at the Pinkie.  I’m just kidding, Mom.  Promise.  My wife is the only other one who even looks at this, and she just glances at it to keep me from complaining to her that she doesn’t appreciate my work.  Plus she knows her place.  Get back to cleaning and bearing my children, woman.

8.  Shoulder pads in shirts

Horrible idea.  The best case scenario for someone wearing this crap is that they look like a football linebacker minus the muscles.  Worst case scenario, SpongeBob’s ass.  When worn by women, the fashion statement is/was often accompanied by a bull dyke haircut.  Congratulations, girl.  You’ve managed to make yourself hover directly above the gender line.  Man or woman, who knows?  At least you’ve shown that you might make a game-changing play in the Rose Bowl when you aren’t hanging out in a pineapple under the sea.

9.  Silk clothing

This shouldn’t happen.  In the form of a shirt, it shows every single drop of sweat or oil on your body.  Billowy and sexy when you’re dry and clean, but when does that happen?  When silk boxers come into play, you may as well kiss any platonic relationships goodbye.  I remember walking around at half-mast all day, because my love ‘shroom was in constant contact with sexy caressing fabric.  I was 13.  That was a long day.

10.  Transvestites

I don’t care if you want to be called “cross-gendered” or whatever.  If you were born a man, you’re a man, and the rules remain the same for women.  Stop thinking you switched sexes because a doctor attached or detached a rooster.  Just because I have surgery to make me look like an Australian Sheepdog does NOT mean I am one.  The worst part is that the really good fakers are like landmines for normal, heterosexual people.  We have nightmares about meeting a tranny at the bar when we’re too liquored up to tell the difference.  Quit it.

11.  Team building exercises

Alright, we get it.  You want us to work together.  We can do that.  Just cut it out with making me touch Ron from accounting and Becky from the mailroom.  I don’t want you to catch me as I fall backwards.  The threat of this happening is motivation enough for me to do better at my job.  I don’t want to go on a retreat with my team members.  I have better ways to spend my time, like getting kicked in the nuts by a mule.

12.  Caring about celebrity’s lives

I don’t know if all you chubby housewives realize it or not, but Rihanna doesn’t give a crap about how mad you are at Chris Brown for brutalizing her.  Remember when Aaliyah or whatever her name was died, and people were crying and making makeshift memorials?  Stupid.  You didn’t know her.  Thousands of people die every day without having been showered with the luxury of the blessed few.

13.  Pokemon

Somehow this stupid fad still continues.  I don’t understand it, but even more than that, I don’t understand adults thinking this is great.  If you’re five and you want to collect some crazy monsters that you keep in a little ball, fine.  If you’re 35 and doing the same thing, it’s time you moved out of your mom’s house.  Enough with anime and all exported Japanese TV products, they’re almost as creepy as meeting a tranny in a bar.

14.  Reebok Pumps

Like everyone else, I thought these were the greatest invention in history.  I fell for your marketing, Reebok.  Nice job.  I figured out that pumping them up 65 times gave me no additional athletic ability, and yet they managed to put my toes to sleep quicker than sitting down on the toilet to do some deep meditation.  The best part of these shoes was taking them off at the end of the day.

15.  Magic 8-ball

Let’s ask this giant plastic pool ball questions about my future.  That makes sense.  Popular with stoners, because they actually believed the 8-ball god spoke to them through the mysterious arrangement of the tiny answer dice inside the blue water.  That “8-ball god” was a giant turd.  He didn’t know anything about my future or even my name.  “Ask again later”, he says.  I’m asking now, dammit.   Stupid.

16.  Bean bag chairs

Everyone either had one, or knew someone who did.  An uncomfortable seat made of styrofoam bits covered in vinyl-why didn’t I think of that?  Every bean bag chair should have come with a warning, “Do not jump on this, since it will explode and fill your trailer with more white balls than a Klan rally”.  I had a red one.

17.  Actual penny loafers

I owned some, and I regret it now.  I have a picture of me, wearing a silk shirt and some penny loafers.  Thanks, Mom.  Why did I put the pennies in the slot?  No idea.  I’m sure some idiot a-hole will leave a comment explaining the reasoning behind it.  Doesn’t matter.  They looked ridiculous and made your feet smell exactly like your balls.  They should have been called ‘Teste Scents’.  That would have been more accurate.

18.  Fad diets

I’m talking to you, ‘Dr.‘ Atkins.  Everyone who tries this diet loses weight and is miserable.  I’d rather eat my cheeseburger on a bun, not wrapped in lettuce.  “Maybe if I eat only grapefruits, this extra 60lbs I’m carrying around will just fall off.”  Well I’m writing a book to start a new fad diet craze.  It really works, too!  The book is called “Stop Eating So Damn Much and Turn Off the TV!”

19.  Popped collars

Although I’m not sure of the actual reason that polo shirts have collars, I’m absolutely positive they don’t exist so you can coat yourself in spray-on tan, iron out the crease in your collar, and spike your hair straight up off your head.  I know of no one else who thinks is cool, but we don’t hate you because you look good.  I did a quick poll, however, and it looks like 92% of people wouldn’t mind if you were hit by a car.  You’re an idiot.

20.  The Macarena

Another throwback to the 90′s.  I can’t believe I know the moves to this, but I’m willing to bet you do too.  I hate us.

21.  Stupid slang terms and words

The list includes “bodacious”, “radical”, “psych”, “that’s hot”, “lame”, and using “word” to mean “I agree with you”.  If you spell out internet chat shorthand as a means of verbal communication (“Ell oh ell”, “Oh em gee!”, “Double you tee eff!”), you need to get outside and meet real people.  I had a whole list of about 20 more, but just writing this many has pissed me off. I’m moving on.

22.  Wide-legged jeans

Remember JNCO?  Man, those looked stupid.  Everyone looks back on their Jr. high/high school years and cringes that they really wore “that”, whatever stupid fashion “that” happens to be.  The wankers mean-muggin’ for the camera while holding up their giant-legged pants will most likely want to kill themselves.  Not necessarily a bad idea.

23.  Beanie Babies

Just so you can guess my age, I worked at McDonald’s during the end of the Beanie Baby craze.  Before you say anything, here’s a pre-emptive “Shut the Hell up”.  It was high school, and I had to pay off tickets so my parents wouldn’t find out.  Anyway, I distinctly remember the people collecting those stupid stuffed animals were the same ones who left their 22 cats in the car with the engine idling so they wouldn’t overheat.  They were generally fat and rude.  It was a confusing combination.  Still, that’s not an excuse to wait in a line for 30 minutes to buy 5 Happy Meals, then cuss out the pimply-faced kid behind the counter because you didn’t get the one you wanted.  I hated you.

24.  Skin stretching

Here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia.  “Stretching (often referred to as gauging or tunneling. Gauge refers to the size of the piercing, and a tunnel is a type of jewelry.), in the context of body piercing, is the deliberate expansion of a healed fistula (hole in the skin) for the purpose of wearing body piercing jewelry.“  Sounds pretty sweet, huh?  You can’t get a job that pays more than minimum wage now.  Way to be an individual.

25.  Reality TV

I heard a girl gushing to her fat friend the other day, and it made me sad.  “The last season of American Idol is probably, like, the best thing that’s ever happened to me!”  Really?  That’s the one thing you can pick out of your whole life that overshadows everything else?!  The only reason people love reality TV is because the same crap that bores them in their own lives seems so much more dramatic and exciting in someone else’s life.  I call this “Irritating and Nosy Gossip Bitch Syndrome”.  It’s an actual medical condition.  Please put your cell phone away and do something meaningful with your life.

So that’s the deal.  Complain about me below, or just comfort yourself by assuming I couldn’t mean anything about you (even though you fall into this list at least ten times).  I was absolutely talking about you.  I was talking about me, too.  The lesson to learn from all of this is that people are stupid sheep.  Baaa.