SPLAIN IT! When the Glory Fades

He always thought mustaches were sexy. Still, despite his love for lip hair, MegaMan was constrained to a bald face by numerous contracts and the cruel whims of the Nintendo legal team. Since becoming a hit in the late 1980’s, his star had flown higher than he could have dreamed, but success came with a price.

His social life severely lacking, but mobbed by fans when he would leave his beautiful home in Southern California, MegaMan-or Megs as his mother called him-felt isolated. Though he had successfully battled the insidious forces of evil Dr. Wily, blasting his way through the fortresses of Bomb Man, Cut Man, and others, Megs could not defeat his most aggressive enemies-chronic traumatic encephalopathy and loneliness. Multiple concussions and head trauma had left him a shell of his former young and confident self, further stunting his social life.

Despite his memory impairment and chronic drooling, Megs knew he must find a way to develop friendships in order to fight the depression he felt whenever he looked at his aging body in the mirror. In defiance of his contract, he grew a mustache. His mouth fur was glorious, full, and so rich, it made Ron Burgundy jealous. He began bar hopping in full battle gear, hoping that his fans would recognize his former glory and give him the companionship he so desperately needed. His only downfall was his macular degeneration, driving his near-sightedness, and making his glasses a constant companion at his numerous parties.

Still, despite his societal shortcomings, Megs found friendship in all its wonderful forms. Soon becoming his most intimate friend and constant sidekick, Pete “The Savage” Likker filled the hole that MegaMan had not even known he had. Through all the dizzy spells and drunken nights, Pete was always there, holding MegaMan’s helmet as he threw up all his pain and regret, along with the 12 glasses of White Zinfandel he had drank earlier in the night. Megs had finally found the companion he had searched for his entire life.