SPLAIN IT!! Timmy Tackler

Musical prodigy Timmy Tackler learned to play the guitar at the tender age of 4. Six months later he had learned Mozart on piano, and had begun to compose and write his own music.

Because of his unusual talents and incredible IQ, Timmy began to illustrate narcissistic behavior toward his parents and his peers. He would spend hours alone in his room staring at himself in the mirror and judging everyone around him as ‘addicts of stupidity’. He was even expelled from school for telling his Kindergarten teacher, Ms. Roundhouse, that she smelled like demon flatulence, and was almost as intelligent.

In the summer of ’06 his unbridled passion for Ding-Dongs and RC Cola began to take control of his waist line. Timmy turned from his narcissistic behavior, and fell into a putrid stinkhole of self loathing. This 180-degree turn from self adoration was in complete opposition to the soothing, blissful sounds his music once possessed.

Young Timmy started putting lyrics to his music, letting his hatred pour out of his soul and into his tiny quivering vocal chords. This became increasingly alarming as he began recording his first songs titled , ‘Tackled with Vomit’, ‘The Mirror Touched Me There’ and ‘Filth Bath’. He even wrote a song about his mother, entitled ‘Biological Whorefare’.

Timmy’s parents were known in their small suburban community for their uninhibited parties and paid little to no attention to their only child. By the age of 7, he had learned to take care of himself and make his own questionable life choices. He fed himself, he bathed himself, and he played by himself.

His addiction to hate sprouted and flourished in his loneliness. After dominating the local talent show circuit with his Claptonesque guitar numbers, he started to despise the lesser skilled contestants. Because of the yucky feelings in his soul, Timmy Tackler had begun to steal random medication from the medicine cabinet to ease the pain. Soon thereafter he began to have panic attacks and hallucinations even when not abusing his father’s vasodilating tablets and insulin injectors.

It was Timmy’s 8th birthday, and his parents 12th annual “Barter for Booty” party that he had decided he’d had enough. This is the last known picture of little Timmy Tackler…

He busted into the party singing an original tune called ‘Death, and the hatred that pulses through my veins lights up like the sky on the 4th of July’. He left shirtless and chubby, and has not been seen since that fateful day.