SPLAIN IT!! Those Lovable Scamps

VH1 Where Are They Now:
Rasta-rap sensations “James and His Giant Peaches”, shook the reggae world with their 1982 debut album, “Blacker Than You”. Their meteoric rise to fame was both a boon, and a curse for the young Jamaicans.

James “Peach Fuzz” Morton, the frontman for the group, had always struggled to pay his bills. His intense interest in voodoo had dragged his family through some dark times, until his multi-million dollar payday allowed him to dabble in the black arts to his tiny dark soul’s content.

Bassist Kirby “Cowpie” Hinklestein, found himself literally saturated in women, so much so that he began walking and talking like a female. Growing his hair long and wearing feminine undergarments brought him more in touch with his inner lesbian woman. After continued success and female attention, his girlish desires culminated one weekend as he cut his own male sex organ off and ate it, in an attempt to finally become his inner gay woman, Claire. He immediately regretted his decision, and spent the rest of his life in extreme depression and founded the outreach charity, “You’re Really Not a Lesbian Girl, so Don’t Cut Off Your Wiener”. Federal funding was nonexistent for Cowpie’s charity, and he killed himself with a flyswatter the next day.

Budding guitar legend, Anthony “Red Hot Chili” Kiedis turned to drugs to deal with his newfound fame. Because of the dozens of feel-good molecules constantly coursing through his system, he wore a perpetual ear-to-ear smile. After the band broke up in the late 80′s, Anthony pursued other musical interests, finally starting the Red Hot Chili Peppers and continuing his musical dominance.

Drummer Robert “Crazy Legs” Marley was convinced he was the last son of Krypton. He never took off his homemade cape, and whenever agitated, he would scream out, “Durkl!!”, his invented war cry. His life was tragically cut short when he attempted flight from his 47th story penthouse suite, precipitating the breakup of James and His Giant Peaches.

The dynamic foursome is shown here in their last photo shoot before the death of Crazy Legs. Their latest skin-bleaching fad had left them forever white, and began a trend for crazy black musicians. Peach Fuzz had incorporated his spiritual awakening into his wardrobe, with his voodoo familiar, Fletcher hanging from his hair. Cowpie, recently recuperated from his reconstructive surgery, is in a great mood, but cannot compare to Red Hot Chili and his mind-altering drugs. Crazy Legs sports his line of clothing, with his new Durkl brand hats, and ever-present cape. His flight attempt later that evening would tear James and His Giant Peaches apart, but their music will forever echo in our souls.