SPLAIN IT! Tears Of Redemption

Sawhorse was nuts. His soul sucked in this nuttiness like a sponge becoming saturated in pure hatred.  Sawhorse…was a killer.

He wasn’t always a killer though, in fact, early in life, he was far from feared. He was actually quite the va-j-j. Not that a va-j-j itself is bad.  It’s tender and can be delicious if taken care of and washed properly.  If you’re feeling unloved and alone, just pretend you’re a va-j-j because I love you and am ALWAYS thinking about you.  Being called a vaj-j is not so cool, unless you are literally a vaj-j.  Calling a va-j-j a va-j-j is like telling me how ridiculously good looking I am.  I already know.  So does a va-j-j. I digress.

After much torture and torment, Sawhorse became lost in a dark tunnel of emotion.  He left home at the age of three and found himself on the unforgiving streets with genital sucking crack-heads and aborted dumpster babies.  Homeless and now overly furry, he was forced to gnaw on his own dingle-berries to keep himself from dehydration and starvation.

One lonely night, after awaking to the nightmarish sounds and screams of “VAA-JAAY-JAAY” ringing through his sheepish, cowering soul; he had a thought.  “What is the opposite of  a va-j-j?”, he asked himself quite ferociously.  He pondered momentarily before his eyebrows raised and his eyes widened.  “A DICK!” he shouted in a joyous tone.  And this is exactly what Sawhorse became.

He immediately began planning  revenge for the many wrongdoings visited upon him. Redemption would soon be his! He immediately called up his shady Irish friend, Lumps O’Plenty.  Lumps had seen action fighting for the IRA decades before, and still had a pretty sweet stache’.  He also had another sweet stash-of weapons. Using the $32 he had earned by selling his tight, sweet body to the other animals, Sawhorse purchased a small caliber rifle that he promptly named Mack.

Haunting abandoned buildings, trashcans, and other generally yucky places, Sawhorse gained his revenge on the animal kingdom.  Starting with the Beavers, or as he called them, “the REAL Va-J-Js”, he picked them apart.  Stopping only to change hiding places and buy ammunition Sawhorse quickly gained notoriety, striking fear in the hearts of fuzzy aminals everywhere.  Even the bears were frightened of his weapon, and what he called his Big Mack Attack.

Sawhorse filmed his rampages, in the hope that his story of hurt and betrayal would justify the bloodbath he had unleashed on the world. In a still shot taken from the camera reel, Sawhorse takes aim on the family of Thumper, one of his former abusers.  He always said, “For real mean revenge, you have to get everyone around them so they wonder if they’re next.  Plus it’s funny to watch how confused everyone gets when I shoot their mother in the face.” 

Disclaimer – Sawhorse is a fictional character and was created after we saw this hilarious picture of a fox shooting a rifle. In no way do we advocate animals shooting other animals with a rifle, even if they were referred to as a Va-J-J as a youthling. Thanks and good night.