SPLAIN IT!! Stony McGuns

Boxing had always been most important to Frank “Stony” McGuns Jr. Growing up with two older brothers had made him tough, and more than a little bit disgruntled. Despite his attempts to regruntle or even regain just a tiny portion of his gruntledness, Frank found himself increasingly alienated from the rest of the world.

Boxing saved his life. Literally. When he was only 18, some guy tried to kill and rob him, but Frank popped him right in the kisser. The would-be robber dropped his gun and cried. Frank hit really hard. Looking down on the sobbing felon, Stony knew he had found his calling in life.

While Frank knew he was in no shape to box, his mouth and ego wouldn’t let him do otherwise. He began travelling around to local gyms and sparring with other, established fighters. Frank got his ass handed to him. It turns out that boxing involves more than punching other people. Who knew?

Still Frank wouldn’t let go of his dream. That was mostly due to his father, who was a complete nutjob. Frank Sr. pushed Junior until Stony finally passed out. Workouts were feverish and random. Frank Sr. would break into Stony’s house at all hours and when everyone was sleeping, kidnap his son and force him to work out in a rock quarry or abandoned factory. Senior claimed that these places made his son tougher, and refused to believe that the asbestos and filmy water were in any way related to the colon cancer he soon contracted. Still, he pushed his son hard, using threats, waterboarding, karate, and/or weapons to keep his son properly motivated.

Stony’s wife Sheila, a former professional wrestler, would often accompany her husband and father-in-law on these work outs, usually to provide further motivation by nagging, shrill screams, or manipulation. Chicks are good at this. Still, despite his two enthusiastic athletic supporters, Stony began to excel, finally earning a shot at the title belt. The aerobic and strength training sessions began nightly, and often continued into the morning. Stony, exhausted and wearing nothing except his ragged lucky undies, would continue until the sun rose overhead. That was his timer, and he would quit soon after.

Shown above is a picture snapped by Stony’s biggest fan (he weighs 450 lbs.), in the construction site where Junior is doing pull-ups three stories off the ground. He is motivated by his gun-wielding father, and his shrieking wife Sheila. “Get you some!”, she yells. And he does.