SPLAIN IT!! Stabby Fingers

Nothing has ever disturbed me as much as this picture. That’s not counting the time I walked in on Grandma getting out of the shower, the time I dreamed I was Rush Limbaugh, and the one other time I watched a gerbil eat its young, of course. Other than those, viewing this pic of Randall “Stabby Fingers” Borkechevsky in his most terrifying injury sustained on the job ranks pretty high on my list of things to have removed from my memory when the technology becomes widely available and less costly.

Many of you may not have heard of ‘Ol Stabby, as he is rarely called in the circles he travels. Randall worked for the mob, specifically the Pepperoncini family, as an enforcer since 1973 and is still available for freelance work from time to time. In his recent book, Karate Chops are for Kids: The Delicate Art of Piercing, Randall details his years of work for the Pepperoncinis, and showcases both his lust for blood and his rapier wit.

Randall was recruited by Luigi Pepperoncini when both Luigi and Randall were school mates in Laredo, Texas. Luigi recognized the unique skill set that Randall possessed, and was the first to give his friend a nickname – Stabasaurus Tex. The Stabasaur was known throughout the school for his unique ability to drive his fingers into and/or through literally anything. Starting with canteloupes, and training his digits up through solid steel gave Randy a confidence and a cold, calculating mind. If you think about it, though, stabbing things with your fingers really shouldn’t affect your mind much, but I digress…

Luigi’s close friendship with the man who would become Stabby Fingers fueled his rise through the ranks of the family, culminating in his eventual replacement of his brother Mario as the Don of the Pepperoncini family. Luigi wasted no time in utilizing Stabby Fingers Borkechevsky in calculated and strategic hits against his rivals. The police were powerless against the Pepperoncini enforcer, unable to piece together how his victims were stabbed with five knives simultaneously. Because of this confusion, but not because of Stabby’s love for ya’ mutha, the Pepperoncinis quickly became the most feared (and sometimes admired) family in the country.

Upon Stabby’s soft retirement he was presented with a pair of Kevlar and gold gloves from Luigi Pepperoncini, partly in thanks for his service, and partly to keep his fingers from ramming into random people or things as he began a normal life selling potted herbs on eBay.

Tragically, one morning as Stabby was getting dressed for his second date with the mother of one of the Pinkie’s staff (sorry you had to find out like this, Wink…), his hand slipped off his cheek as he massaged lotion into his skin folds. The picture illustrates the sheer power of ‘Ol Stabby’s fingers, and is the last remaining picture of Stabby, taken immediately after his death.

His angelic gaze still pointing to the heavens, Stabby shows us the way home.