SPLAIN IT!! No Noose Is Good Noose

In 1982 Ralph was welcomed into this world by bright fluorescent hospital lights, wide brimmed hats and the sweet melodic tunes of a full eight man Mariachi band. ‘Pedro’s Tackle Box’ as the band was known, was headed by none other than Ralph’s alcoholic father, Murphy, who blew the trumpet.

After Ralph’s sixth birthday, he and his father packed up and headed for the lights and show girls of Las Vegas. Murphy had since become sober and immediately left Ralph’s mother, Teresa, for being pudgy and resembling an unattractive man.

Following a short stint managing the all female naked break dancing crew “The Flying V” and a few STD battles, Murphy tragically died after an altercation with a local street musician. He was reportedly stabbed in the femoral artery with a broken saxophone reed and bled to death. No one but Bernadette, the sloppy, knee scabbed escort saw the incident, but even she was unable to testify due to the syphilis that deeply affected her vision.

After hearing the news of Murphy’s death, Teresa had come to Vegas to be with Ralph. She too fell into a putrid trap of hardcore sexual emulsification; blending body parts and bendable slender objects for theatrical glory and fame. Teresa made little to no money in that business (probably because she was pudgy and resembled a man). Soon thereafter, she also met her maker (not for long), when she was tazered repeatedly by Las Vegas Police for talking when she wasn’t spoken to.

As for Ralph, he was left parentless and uneducated, never once experiencing the overly bumpy bus rides to school, or the joys of roaming the harsh high school hallways. He was found alive and embarrassed in his motel room, after an attempted suicide by hanging.