SPLAIN IT!! I’m Better Than You

Can you float? I think not. Still, look at my awesomeness. I’m a floating SOB. Turns out I’m pretty much way better than you. That guy worships me. Literally. I have my own cult, because I’m that badass. Do you have a cult? Hell no, you work at McDonalds and sob yourself to sleep every night.

See that chubby chick back there? She’s one my my slaves. Did you hear that? I said ONE of my slaves. How many do you have? What’s that? None? That’s too bad. Must suck being you and knowing that my life is so much greater than yours.

Look how high I am. I’m not even trying, but I’m ten feet in the air. I could play professional basketball if I wanted. You couldn’t. You’re barely coordinated enough to tie your shoes without getting hurt. Man, I hate you. I’m going to be fed grapes by 20 nubile virgins, and you’re going to go home and eat Spaghetti-O’s strait out of the can. That’s pathetic.

Sure is nice to be me. I can have anything I want. You disagree? Let me present my proof that supports my claim. I’M EFFING FLOATING. Go ahead and try it. Oh, you can’t? That’s too bad. If you’d keep your mouth shut for about 5 seconds, I might let you serve me selflessly, with no thought for your own personal comfort or desires.

Good choice. Even though you don’t deserve it, I’ll let you be yet another of my slaves. I’m benevolent AND I can float. Plus I’m about a million times smarter than you. Now shut up and get over here and change my diaper.