SPLAIN IT!! Dr. Zhivago

First off, let me give a shout to Darrell of SECRivals.com for finding this Splain It!! picture and emailing it to us at info@straitpinkie.com.  Look, we are not creative people and we are in WAY over our heads with this website thing. Still, in honor of Darrell’s wonderfulness, I have written the following Splain It!! as an ode to him.

We will quickly run out of things to post here.  So email us Splain It!! pics, email us hot chicks you want us to Yump up and email us local girls who want to be Local Yumps!!  We need your help!

Email us at info@straitpinkie.com.  Tinks and good night.  Now to the Splain It!!

Darrell had always done the right thing.  He genuinely cared for others.  He was like a plaid-wearing Superman, except he wasn’t a self-righteous tool.  Darius had a rare ability that made him especially adept at helping others in need.  His body fluids were magical.

His tears could make the worst pain disappear, his urine tasted like the sweetest honey soothing upset stomachs, and his saliva smelled like peanut butter while providing an energy boost unparalleled by the most powerful energy drink.  His blood literally cured cancer.  He was a walking pharmaceutical factory with the heart of a saint.

Darrell Zhivago had been given his exceptional powers in a visit from an angel on the night of his 10^th birthday.  The angel promised him that his gifts would help millions cope and recover from their illnesses.  Like Sampson, though, his powers were conditional to his bodily purity.  Darrell would forever remain a virgin.  This sacrifice seemed insignificant to him, though, and he gladly refrained from sexual impurity in order to help others.

Upon graduation from high school, Darrell decided to pursue a career in the medical field.  His abilities could never be revealed to anyone, to avoid exploitation of his obvious talents.  Breezing through medical school, Dr. Zhivago meteoric rise to become one of the most sought after physicians in the West allowed him the opportunity to provide his services for free to those in need.  Overexertion would often leave him incapacitated.

Constant harvesting of his fluids would leave him dehydrated, often requiring that Darrell be treated as well.  Still, he pressed on.  He developed more efficient ways to use his God-given powers, extracting them in innovative and often painful ways.  Reading Harlequin novels and plucking his body hair gave him motivation to cry, so he could use his tears for good.  He would often drink gallons of tea every day, leaving a catheter in for days.  His greatest strength was in his nasal mucus.

Dr. Zhivago’s snot was the cure for a broken heart.  The ailment he considered the worst affliction in the world, he continually tried newer, more invasive ways to collect the fluid of his nose.  He affectionately referred to this as “nose candy”.  Finally, modern technology caught up with Darius’ desire.  Using a headpiece he had designed himself, Dr. Zhivago could finally collect snot all day long.  He continues to practice medicine today in France.  Once word got around that he cured ailments by using his various body fluids, only the French would still use his services.  ‘Cause they’re gross and weird.

Sidenote from nickev – I realize that I’m wide awake, thinking about what it’d take, to give my heart a chance to break, but if my heart was broke or any other extremity, I would be all for Dr. Zhivago’s services.  If doc has to blow a snotrocket on me to cure me, fire up the snotrocket.  Does this make me French? THE MANS BLOOD CURES CANCER AND WE EXILE HIM TO PARIS?????? I DON’T GET IT!?!?!?!?!?