SPLAIN IT!! Dirktionary

May 2nd, 2009 was a memorable day for some. Some got lucky and won the GDP of a small island nation on this glorious Kentucky Derby Saturday, as others were shamed by random drunken bar pictures. Dirk Nowitzki, “as he recalls,” tried to pick up the ladies with his famed ‘perfume of meat’ that supposedly wreaks havoc on the female senses. He later came to find out that the only thing that reeked was his upper lip and his ear lobes, after a 12-hour stent basking in ball sweat and the high-noon Derby sun.

Embarrassed and underpaid, Dirk tried to use his wide, extensive use of dictionary terminology to redeem himself and his inebriated friends. After boggling multiple female minds with words like pontificating and inscrutable, Dirk began describing himself as just another cog in their giant sex machine. Unfortunately for Dirk, per the definition of cog (see: A subordinate member/object who performs necessary but usually minor or routine functions) the routine functions he performed were those of ‘getting out of the way’ and ‘shutting the f#*k up.”

But as the night pressed forward, and many wide-eyed women became transformed by his wisdom and witty words, their socks began to lift off the ground, and their backs quickly became stained with the chlorophyll of the grass. Dirk’s philosophical anomalies kept the girls in orgasmic wonderment and unreserved pleasure as they asked themselves, “How could  their future children be fathered by any other?”

As the faces of the young wonderers looked on with sheer questionability, Dirk’s charm and impressionable smile overtook those around him. Mesmerized by his calming, enigmatic vocal prowess, the female flock around Dirk began to grow at an alarming rate. The women grazed in a pasture of knowledge as Dirk’s eminences shed light into the dark corners of feminine stupidity. There were no more questions of “Why?” or “How?” Only nodding heads of understanding. A wave pool of ladies stood and gathered tightly into Dirk’s unchiseled open arms, forming a bay of estrogen, all for him to please.

After a long day of loving, knowing and posing for pictures, Dirk became very sleepy. Sleepiness, however, was not in Dirks daily vocabulary. 18 Red Bull and vodka’s later, drunk and vivacious, he once again began to work his magic on the ladies.

Here is Dirk hopped up on curls, sex, love, teeth, muscle, stripes and happiness; imposing his hammer fists of joy, one beard at a time, unnoticed and in the background – - just like he likes it.

Here’s to you Dirk Nowitzki, your leather bound watches and your daily Dirktionary of flowing words beyond normal human comprehension.