SPLAIN IT!! Circle Of Life

**Editor’s Note: Today’s Splain It takes place in reverse, so just pretend it’s Opposite Day.  See, I went and found a picture to ‘splain the story. A story, which is for all intents and purposes 100% factual, and happened to me exactly one week ago today.**

It started out as a typical day of work. Tuesdays suck ass but it was sunny enough to get me thinking about the after work festivities, ($1.50 bottles from 5-7) where I fully intend to get drunk and forget my life mistakes. As usual, the combination of noon day sun and my lunch intake kicked in, causing drowsiness and I became oblivious to the work sitting in front of me. My monitor became just a screen to play out my daydreams, as I banged on the keyboard incoherently making it seem as if I was actually doing something productive. Wrong. A seemingly harmless yawn turns into laughter after glancing at myself in the mirror across the room. I chuckled. As I turned my head 45 degrees to the right, back toward my pointless cluttered work station, a glare from the parking lot catches my beautiful blue eyes. Little did I know, this glare would forever change my life, and what ensued will likely change yours as well.

The glare that peeked through the blinds in my direction had come from an open car door. Out stepped an unbeeeeeelievable brunette with tight jean capris and a tanktop that would suffocate a toddler. It appeared as though it may have been a little chilly inside the car and in caveman fashion, I began to salivate. My. day. just. got. better. Or so it seemed…

An elderly lady in the passenger seat slowly made her way out of the car and disappeared into another building. The brunette, lets call her Charlene, began to pluck a small infant from the car. Damn. I’m thinking, no possible way this broad just had a kid. She was tiny and SMOKIN’ hot. Charlene then gets back into the car with the child. Maybe she’s baby sitting? I thought hopefully. NOPE. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Charlene proceeded to plop out her beautiful breasts and nonchelantly attatch the child as if it was a piece of jewelry. This little damn leech was sucking the life right out of her, while she was jabbering away on her cell phone. Really? But I couldn’t stop looking. It was immoral and animalistic, but she still had the other one perked up and staring me right in the face. I think I even heard it shout my name and say “looook attt meeee”. Oh S***! at this point I’m sweating and nervous. What if she saw me? What if it really was calling my name? I was freaking out. She was literally within 15ft of the window to which she so thoughtfully exposed her breasts. How could she not see me? Did she not care? What. The. EFF. Again, I could not fully turn away for what seemed like hours at a time.

Finally, Charlene finished, covered up and began to put the little chugger away. Whew, it was over. No more staring, No more sweat. No mor…….What is she doing now? “Get back in the car Charlene!”, I thought in my head, as she made her way to the other side of the car. She rummaged for a moment before extracting another slobbering kid. Seriously!!?? TWINS!!!

There I was, sitting and staring, wide-eyed in stunment of the situation as the suckling beast, went. to. town. For the life of me, I could not stop ogling as this occured. It was like watching a murder. Yes, a murder. I sat in amazement as two perfect boobies that were once crafted to perfection were murdered at the hands of beasts that still s*** in their pants. Yes, I was jealous as those two little breast thieving bastards were filled with crucial vitamins and nutrients and I was forced to watch….

Yep, That's Maggie Gyllenhaal Alright