The boys at Phi Upsilon Delta (PUD) were known for their parties. Think Animal House with less restraint. Their booze-soaked lives, however, took a dramatic left turn on a cold, rainy spring day in 2007. The PUDs knew their time was numbered at Morehead State when the Dean called their President, Marty Poofslopper into his office.
As Marty sat in the leather-wrapped chair in the Dean’s office while farting thoughtfully, he ran through the list of possible infractions that the Dean might have summoned him to discuss. Last weekend’s “Sump Pump Humpathon” had raised over twelve dollars for the PUDs favorite charity-Kids with Weird Bumps on Their Bodies. Marty knew, though, that the charity work his fraternity conducted came at a price.
The Humpathon had sent two sorority girls to the free clinic, and seven sewer lines were broken in the madness that had ensued. The single plea for order and sanity came from Jennie Winklebottom, a senior often referred to by her playfully accurate nickname, “Stupid, fat, ugly Jennie Whinepants”. Marty knew that the Humpathon, coupled with last night’s Free Mammography Truck were enough to get his fraternity shut down, and his worst fears were realized when the Dean announced, “You kids are jerks. Find a real hobby.”
Marty had never felt so enlightened, and immediately began intense efforts to change the ways of his fraternity. After a long night of smoking treated lumber and watching Men in Black, the fraternity unanimously agreed: They would fight the alien scourge unrelentingly.
Following several botched attempts to detain aliens on campus, the PUDs finally caught a break-a young alien named Ringo, who happened to be the terrorist cousin of Alf-was apprehended trying to devour Sparkles, the house cat kept by the sisters of Lambda Epsilon Zeta. Convinced of Ringo’s guilt, the brothers concluded that he must be the key to cracking open the secret identities of literally dozens of other space invaders. His human girlfriend, Clara Fuzzypalms tried repeatedly to free Ringo from the bathroom cell where he was kept.
Unable to break Ringo’s somewhat to moderately tough will, the PUDs decided to leverage their recent capture of Clara to crack the extraterrestrial’s resolve. Ringo was forced to watch as Clara was doused with a special concoction developed by Shamus Beakerford, the only science major in the house, which reportedly caused symptoms ranging from wet hair to drownishness.
The picture above captures the historic moment when Ringo breaks down, telling the heroes of Phi Upsilon Delta that he is really just a 20-yr. old engineering major from Friendsville, TN who was on his way to a costume party at the Lambda Epsilon Zeta house. Go figure…