Have you ever looked at your face in the morning right before you took a shower and thought, “damn, I look good!”? Your scars are gone, the face looks younger and for a black guy like me, you think you look a little white, heck you even feel white. Then after the shower, you’re back to the old you, scars, wrinkles, blemishes, everything. That happens to me almost every morning! Mysterious shit right there. I think someone is out to get me, I think there is something in the water, shit that will makes you look bad and make you buy beauty products and my theory isn’t that far fetched, you know. There are beauty products for both genders so it doesn’t matter who uses the water, y’all are bound to feel the need to make yourself look good. Maybe it’s not a mystery at all why you look like shit after taking a shower; maybe the explanation is that simple, there is something in the water. It’s a conspiracy or maybe I think too much or maybe it’s because I look at myself while I’m still half asleep…
Have you ever been in a relationship so long that when you meet you don’t know if you should hug or just shake hands? Have you ever been in a relationship so bad that you can longer trust the girlfriend with your junk? She hasn’t quite said no to your “blow me” advances but you just can’t suggest it anymore. She has that “I’ll bite it off” face! She scares you, she starts to look like a secret government agent, she prepares your dinner but you can’t taste it before she tastes the food on her plate because you think it’s laced with cyanide! Have you ever been in such a relationship where you are too scared to break up? You just don’t want to send her packing because you don’t know what she might do; maybe she’ll come back and actually bite it off! Have you ever wondered what you’re still doing in the relationship? Maybe all is well, you could be thinking too much or maybe you’re not thinking at all… Maybe there are hallucinogens in the water!
Have you ever thought that the leading cause of Alzheimer’s in men is Marriage? Think about it, once you get married you just can’t remember where you place things. You’re always looking for something:
“Honey, have you seen my green sweater?”
“Honey, where is my tie?”
“Honey, where are my socks?”
“Honey, where are my car keys?”
“Honey, where is the G-Spot?” Hey, sometimes you gotta ask!
You just can’t find shit, it’s crazy. I think it’s women’s long term plan to rule the world. I think there is something in the marriage certificate, maybe it’s laced with mind altering substances and judging from where I come from, it’s a valid theory. Most wedding gowns come with gloves and right after the couple signs the certificate the bride places it in the groom’s coat pocket, of course she has the gloves so she is not in direct contact with whatever shit on it that causes Alzheimer’s… Ok, maybe I’m thinking too much or not thinking at all or maybe there is something in the water…
Do you ever get that eerie feeling that someone is watching you? Do you avoid using the ATM because, well, someone is watching you? Do you get a much creepier feeling when you’re in queue, like in a bank, and there is this really hot chic right in front of you? You wanna look but you can’t because you think everyone is looking at you to see if you’ll look at her ass! You start to look at everything and everyone except for this one girl. You get so uncomfortable up to a point where people actually start looking at you, you get so uncomfortable that when you get to the teller you don’t know if you wanted to withdrawal or deposit or complain (it’s most likely a complaint).
Do you ever pass a group of people at some corner and you know for certain that they are looking at your backside. Does it get so uncomfortable that you start walking funny or at least you feel like you’re walking funny? The legs feel weak, your ass feels like it’s shaking a little more than it usually does, your knees collide, you stumble on non-existent stones on the ground, you damn near fall, shit!
Does shit ever get this real for you or it’s just me? I must be one paranoid bastard or maybe there really is something in the water…