Sex Flavored Candy

I can’t say that I had a clear idea of who (or what) I wanted to be when I grew up, I still don’t. At some point I wanted to be a Magician, yes you read that right, a Magician! Now that I’m all grown (not necessarily mature) I think it’s a good thing I’m not a Magician. As you may or may not know, I’m an all out pervert and a perverted magician is not the kind of person you would want to have at your kid’s birthday party! I would be like, “here is a card, now you see it, now you don’t, where is it?” The poor kid would be like, “I don’t know… wait, there is something coming out of my butt, muuuuum!”

See, my becoming a magician would have been a bad idea.

I thought I could be a lot of things, heck I thought I could be a pilot up until I realized the only math I was good at was calculating my girlfriend’s safe days and I can’t say that I was always accurate, sometimes I’d be off by a week and I know that because whenever I asked for some, she’d say “no” more often than she said “maybe” and a lot more often than she said “yes”. Wait, now that I think about it, she could have been saying no because she could, shit!

I’m not a pilot because 1) I sucked at mathematics and 2) when I got to the age of reason, I thought that the name cockpit was amazingly gay. I think if you said “cockpit” enough times, like say a hundred, you could turn gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

At a very lonely point in my life, I thought I could be a Priest. I was thinking of all the flings I would have with the nuns in a parish, but then I remembered that I have shitty luck with women. In fact my luck with women is so bad that I think the only way I’m gonna get laid is if they introduce sex flavored candy! Yes, I knew by now you would be wondering what the outrageous title had to do with this post.

A while ago I thought that gynecology was the coolest career out there for a dude like me but after doing some research, vaginal infections are not the most beautiful things to occupy a woman’s body. If my (Google search powered) research is anything to go by, it’s an ugly sight down there. Some of the things I discovered are so bad you would think a patient was a victim of a vampire with a vagina fetish. I don’t think I’m perverted enough to be a gynecologist or any other doctor for that matter.

Since I’m still growing up, I’m keeping my options open. I’m at an age where people tell you that you’re still young, you can do anything, you can do anyone… So I have a lot friendly choices out there but what the hell does “you can do anything” mean? The last time I checked, I couldn’t urinate while sneezing, still can’t. But that’s the thing with people, always saying the most ridiculous of things. You get arrested for drug possession and what do your friends tell you? “it’s gonna be fine…” Not so much, the cops will have your ass for dinner. You better pray some of them ain’t gay or they will literally eat your ass! A relative dies and what do your friends say? “He’s in a better place…” Hmmm I don’t know he was more of a hell material than heavenly bliss so we can’t exactly say he’s in a better place.

Where was I? Oh, keeping my options open… I can be anything I want, I can go back to school and get a law degree then go on to become a bad ass judge with a Kick Ass TV show. Wouldn’t that be something?

COURT CLERK: All rise, Judge Mad Blogger resides. In Today’s show the Hon. Judge tackles a case where the Plaintiff, Mrs. Doucheshire accuses her Husband Mr. Doucheshire of wrongful tackle from behind. The Plaintiff claims the Defendant used her back door when the front door was wide open (maybe a little too wide) and when she confronted him he said he thought he was in the right hallway. Mrs. Doucheshire claims that her husband may have damaged the back door and if the clear violation of paths is not stopped the back door may be rendered useless even for exit purposes. Mr. Doucheshire pleaded guilty.

JUDGE: Then what the hell are we doing here? Lock him up; 2 months in Prison will give him a taste of his own medicine.

Ok, maybe I would make a terrible Judge but it’s not like I would be different from the rest…

I don’t think I’ll be realizing what I’m supposed to be any time soon since in my case, it’s if I grow up and not when I grow up.

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PS: In totally unrelated innuendos, have you ever heard of a case where a prostitute’s body rejected an organ after a transplant, like say a kidney? No? Me neither. I guess they’re used to hosting different organs in them that the body eventually becomes a universal recipient. Don’t ask me how I come up with this shit!

Category: Humor