Mini-Roast of the ESPN College Basketball Analysts

March madness is in full swing and that nerdy dude in your office is already trying to unload bracket sleeper picks as if he has some sort of insider stock tip. What better way to get ready for the hoops insanity than to clown on him? While we’re at it, lets just set up a mini-roast of all the college basketball analysts we will be listening to over the next few weeks. Feel free to add your own hate of the ESPN stooges in the comments section. Perhaps next time we will truly go below the belt and do a round of hate on the hideous female sideline reporters the four-letter network throws at us this time of year.

Doug Gottlieb
I wanted to start the P90X workout until I heard the commercial “ESPN’s Doug Gottlieb is in the best shape of his life.” Thankfully, I can now continue to sit on the couch and do 12-ounce curls. I don’t think anyone would argue with me when I say Gottlieb seems like the dude who would wear two popped-collar polos at the bar, to go with his gelled hair and fruity drink. Have you seen the schnozz on this dude? It makes Bruce Pearl and Bob Sagat blush. They should have held all the Vancouver Olympic skiing events on his left nostril.

Science has proven the highlighter's fumes have made Digger clinically insane.

Digger Phelps
Some like to call Digger the King Tool. Holding a highligher while you talk does not add any credibility when you speak, although it does almost take some of the attention off your greased up white hair. Is Digger’s highlighter color coordinating with his tie? Who cares, the other guys on set are only worried about if he took his geritol so he won’t vapor lock on the air.

Dick Vitale
Note to Dukie V: You already had one throat operation because you talked too loud and too much. Now that you are back in the spotlight, you are screaming the same nonsense at the same decibel level. This is akin to someone with lung cancer continuing to smoke a pack a day once they start their chemo treatment. And why do you have to fondle your play-by-play commentator before every big game? There’s a fine line between excitement and homoerotic touching.

Jay Bilas
Raise your hand if you have ever wanted to break the ‘Bilastrator.’ I would rather watch Rosie O’ Donnell work over a farm animal than see Bilas try to teach X’s and O’s. If only Bilas were as cool as he was tall, then perhaps we wouldn’t swear when we find out he is calling a game.

Hubert Davis
Hubie puts an exclamation point on the pro-ACC crew by slobbing all over his alma mater, North Carolina. I’m pretty sure he still has them as a bubble team for this year. While he may not be quite as annoying as the rest of the crew, that is the equivalent of being called the cutest fat chick.