In the spirit of the Summer Olympics, we have devised our own Olympics of sort. While our events don’t require quite the same endurance, precision, and athleticism as most Olympic events, not just anyone could win what we are coining as the ‘Degenerate Decathlon.’ Below is a list of the ten events comprising this inaugural Olympiad. While rippling muscles aren’t needed, a super strong liver and concentration while seeing double could get you on the podium.
Tossing Sports: Corn Hole, Horseshoes, Washers
Saddle up for a trifecta of events requiring great finesse and precision. Contestants will have to run a gauntlet of games that require throwing objects of various size and weight at random objects that may or may not be hand crafted in your grandpa’s garage. Better find a waitress to grab you fresh cold ones during these events, as decathletes will need to stay dialed in to stand a chance at gold. Singles and doubles could be permitted for this leg of the competition.
What day of drinking and competition doesn’t end with a wrestling match? While the technique may not be Greco-Roman, there will undoubtedly be some fierce competition between contestants that may or may know how to execute a full nelson. And judges’ scoring is not allowed in the Degenerate Decathlon, all events are settled by the decathletes. This means all matches will continue until we see a tap out or tears of exhaustion.
Dizzy Bat Race
If you aren’t spinning from the decathlon’s adult refreshments, you will be after doing the required 10 spins around a stationary Louisville Slugger. Decathletes will have to simulate a sobriety test and try to zig and zag their way to the next station, which will hopefully have another bat and even more spins. Placing puke buckets along the way seems like a logical idea.
A staple on college campuses throughout America, beer pong would be a great chapter to add to this event. Judges would be needed to enforce the controversial rules, and it will be up to the ruling body to determine if bounce shots will be allowed. One non-negotiable item, however, will be that no water cups will be allowed to clean the balls between shots. Suck it up.
The grind of the decathlon starts to become brutal when participants are forced to play 18 holes of disc golf. Doglegs, huge trees, par fives, and a possible spliff from that hippy on hole six will provide endless challenges for participants. Here’s to hoping that the through the haze of intoxicants, they remember that it’s all in the wrists.
A dead eye is required in many events of the degenerate decathlon, perhaps none more so than darts. Athletes will face off against each other in an intense game of cricket, and don’t worry, you can bring your pint glass to the dart board. Contestants will be heckled if they can’t find a hot chick to pull their darts after each round.
Shuffleboard isn’t just for old fogeys, but can also be an entertaining game when enjoying a cold beverage. That’s why we have it slated as an important event in the decathlon. Touch and finesse are required to get the puck to sit where it needs to, just don’t get the powder from the board on your hands before diving into some finger foods.
What better drinking game than throwing a ball at a ball you just threw? Seems simple enough, and that is what we are going for here. Regardless of your bocce strategy, things figure to get testy against the competition when debating who’s balls are closer.
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