Is love at first sight a real thing?

“It was love at first sight…” Really? Do people actually see someone and feel love flow in their romantic veins? I never experience such frivolities with the girls I meet. That is probably because when I meet a girl, (hot or otherwise) I’m too busy trying to find out if she has a penis like the last one or maybe because I go for those with low self esteem. The kind when you approach them, they think you’re talking to the person behind them. When they realize they are on the receiving end of a seemingly romantic conversation they almost strip dance for you.

With me it’s boobs at first sight. I mean they are just there, what am I supposed to do when they are fighting for eye contact. It’s very rude to look the other way when boobs are looking right at you. Be courteous and return the favor. I find it very hard to go for the heart when boobs are blocking my path, you know, they’re like, “if you have to break this girls heart, you’ll have to go through me first!” Well, challenge accepted.

I think the reason I haven’t found love is because of what lies ahead. The love highway is full of bandits or what you would call unplanned knock ups, unwanted brats, marriage, matrimonial trouble, divorce and finally alimony. My subconscious in its auto pilot nature has been avoiding the love route and for that I’m grateful. I mean who wants to pay alimony? And what the hell is this alimony business? Isn’t that like paying a hooker you are not sleeping with? We’re no longer together; go find another host to suck on. Some women can be such pests! I don’t know about men and alimony but if you happen to cash a check every month from a woman, you need to fish your vagina from your purse. What’s wrong with you?

Way I see it, the phrase “it was love at first sight” means different things to different people. To some people (like me) it’s the boobs. I looked at the boobs and I loved them. I mean breasts don’t have character, motives or morals for me to decipher. I don’t need time to figure out what they are like unlike the lady who hosts them. You just look at them and either want to touch them or salute them from a mile off. Unlike the woman in which they reside in, they are not after my house, money, my favorite seat, the TV remote, my family, my car… No, they’re just there to be fondled. That’s why I’m for one night stands as opposed to commitment; I meet the boobs and their cousin from down under and that’s that.

The reason I’m not in a relationship is because I loathe the way most women use their boobs to get stuff from me. They show so much cleavage that it can no longer be called a cleavage; it’s just the boobs without nipples. The last girlfriend I had revealed so much cleavage that she could ask for anything and get it, “hey can I have your credit card, on second thought can I have your wallet?” “Yea, sure anything you want.”

And of men who say “it was love at first sight”, do you know how gay that sounds? I can’t say we would remain friends after such utterances. Don’t get me wrong though, I have nothing against gay people. If someone wants to mess with their sphincter muscles it’s their business. In fact the world should encourage gay people to walk out of their closets as early possible. I would tell you to love them but they might get mixed signals and decide to love you back and that might not end well especially on your end. Speaking of closets, a guy I know was in a closet for so long, he tried every costume in there so when he eventually came out he looked like a clown. His fashion sense is so advanced that he does not need a costume to attend a costume party!

I, however, am not dismissing this love thing. Who knows, maybe I have not met the one. There’s someone for everyone, right? For instance I could tell my ex wasn’t the one when she started seeing someone else or maybe I got it wrong, maybe she was meant for the both of us and I was not supposed to find out!

Unrelated: Have you ever been so high that you called your ex to tell her that you slept with her sister and her mother? No? Me neither, I swear!

Category: Featured, Humor