How To: Win a Barfight
Dirk | Nov 15, 2010 | Comments 14
Cliff here. Way back when I started writing these damn articles, I thought I could help you sissies learn what real men have always known. Sometimes a fight is unavoidable. There comes a time in every man’s life when you can’t ignore a problem. This generally happens when drinking.
Bars are possibly the single greatest place to meet women, watch a game, unwind after work, and break another man’s teeth. If all goes right, you can accomplish all these before dinner. And by dinner I mean your third beer. I’m tired of hearing fluffy hippies spout crap like, “Violence is never the answer”, and “Make love, not war”. Sometimes, violence is the only manly answer, and most times I find a way to make love AND war. That’s masculine. If you don’t believe me, bring your lady down to the bar and say something ‘witty’ about my flannel. I’ll give you one warning. Run your mouth again, and you’ll see two things happen simultaneously: you’ll be paralyzed, and your girl will be impregnated. I’ll probably take my time with her, though. She likes when I love her strong.
My point, fairy boy, is that a real man doesn’t have to talk it out. If someone picks a fight with you, it’s because you’re not physically intimidating enough. Your arms are more suited to hugging than brawling. If your sheer physical presence isn’t enough to give another man reason to respect you, you better be crazy enough to handle yourself. No man wants to hang out with a friend who is a liability. A man should intrinsically know this, I shouldn’t have to tell your candy ass. Keep your head up, and if another guy meets your eye, he’s either ones of those queers I keep hearing about or he’s sizing you up as a pussy. Both cases could end in a fight.
Don’t drop your gaze, stare right back. If you back down now, you may as well have stayed home eating hummus and watching reruns of some crap on TLC. Walk towards the guy, holding his eye until he either looks away or you’re directly in front of him. Wait for him to speak. If he asks for your number, he gets an open hand slap across his mouth. If he insults you or gets mouthy, warn him once. He’ll either buy you a beer to apologize, or you can take his wallet after you break his nose. If he keeps staringwithout looking away, all while remaining silent, he’s a man. Extend your arm, shake his hand and walk away on equal ground with probably the only other real man in the bar. You’re now friends for life.
If it comes to blows, here’s the key to fighting: hit him harder and more often than he hits you. This is where your hand-eye coordination from years of sports (or in your case, video games, you nancy prick) comes into the picture. Do to the other guy what the “mean boys” did to you in high school gym class, minus the wedgies. Stop thinking so hard about HOW to fight and focus on the instincts you’ve repressed since your mommy stopped breast-feeding you. Survival.
Animal don’t read instructions on this crap, and neither should you. Be an animal, and try to pick a tough one. Wolves are tough, lions are tough, squirrels are not tough. They’re gay, and they get eaten by the stronger animals. Some of them get run over by cars, but that just proves that they’re stupid and weak. No man swerves to miss a squirrel, but you would damn sure think twice before trying to run over a bear and that, my little squirrel, is why I’ll be going home with your girlfriend. That stupid promise ring you gave her means nothing once she watches me put my size 13 steel toe in your ass.
Lesson over, Sally. Let’s recap. Beer CAN be dinner, men don’t back down, and stop being such a little squirrel-bitch. Get outside and play a man-sport instead of planting your pasty self in front of a computer and playing World of Warcraft for 10 hours. See you next week.
Filed Under: How To: Your Guide to Being a Man
Comments (14)
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Schrecker Lawn Care could use an employee like Cliff!
Schrecker,
Thanks for the love. Because of your fanatical devotion to all things man, I went ahead and finished all your work for this week. Go home and bang your wife, girlfriend, hot neighbor, etc.
Good job being anything but a squirrel-bitch. Well done.
Great Post! Waiting for your next one!!
[...] How To: Win a Barfight [...]
Cliff,
I get on this site only 1 time a week, and thats for How To : Mandays. I don’t need the “how to’s” I just like to laugh. I’m glad someone opens their mouth to teach these metrosexuals how to be real men. I can’t do it my damn self. I get asked silly questions all day, about women, cars, and basically anything manly. I’m getting sick of it. Here is where you need to come in. Create an “Ask a Man/Ask Cliff” section where little squirrel-bitches can ask you questions on how to be real men.
Well that’s all. I’m not like those metros that like to talk for 4hours. This conversation is over.
And yeah my names Gage (like the shotgun pansies)
[...] 4. Wildlife. I’m not talking about your gay ass labradoodle, Puddles. The wildlife must be wild, huge, and most importantly, funny. Goats, camels, bears, and buffalo are acceptable. Squirrels are not (see last weeks article). [...]
[...] like standing over the bloodied, unconscious body of your predecessor), you’ll need to read How To: Win a Barfight to know how to prevail, because those old bastards are crafty. With that said, you can choose one [...]
ha. nice. i’d totaly be the guy to harass you about the flannel. you look like a fag!
With a name like “B Gansta”, and likely a white, middle class cock thief, you wouldn’t be welcome in the bars I frequent. Get a job and move out of your parents’ basement, because I’m tired of you eating all the protein bars you gobble like a meat-hungry gay porn star, in your effort to gain some muscle. I’m usually hungry when I get done turning your mom inside out, so leave me a snack next time.
Sir, please come join the community at http://www.arthurshall.com. You article is a priceless gift to manly men everywhere, and your contributions at the aforementioned website would be greatly appreciated.
B GANSTA?!?! I already know everything about your fairy ass, leave this site for real men to talk and go pick up your barbie and shanikwa dolls because thats the closest thing you are ever going to get to a 3-way you pussy, trust and believe the best part of you just ran down your mothers leg all mixed up with th best part of me, Im done with you, be gone, leave
Cliff and everybody else on this site is a wanna-be hard ass homo. You all talk shit Instead of doin what you are talkin shit about. If all of you go to bars every night, that would be called a fuckin bum. But that’s prob what all of you are. Bums with a cheap ass computer, a pocket full of change and some fagget ass 70′s shirts you you cant throw away because you can’t afford another. Get a life you dumb fuckin short dick syndrome douches!! Your all seriously gay especially you cliff!!
@Trav – I agree with it. Thanks for putting us in our place.
[...] There you go. Stop letting lesser humans get away with insulting you or whatever matters to you. Once the snivelly morons realize that free speech is what the greatest country in the world is founded on, but stupidity and arrogance generally lead to an ass kicking, we’ll all be better off. Plus, you won’t be thought of as such a little squirrel-bitch. [...]
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