How To: Use a Public Pissroom

Cliff here. The issue of men breaking well-known and respected manlaw in the pissroom has gone too far. I’ve had enough of you twinkle-toed fairies strolling around when I need to drain some fluid, drown a turd, or get some sweet nookie from the hot chick I just met outside. Let’s get a few things strait.

First of all, it’s not a “restroom”. If you need to recover some energy, get to your own damn house and contain your faggy attitude in the comfort of your own four walls. It’s not a “bathroom”, either, you silly Roman bastard. The Romans used to have public bathhouses. We don’t. If you’re going in there to take a bath, you had better be ready to get your penis-gazing ass kicked. Since you’re not resting or bathing, it should be called a pissroom. “The room where I put the steak I turned into poop and also where I sometimes practice cutting the stupid urinal cake in half with the stream from my firehose” is just too long to be practical. Pissroom, it is. In such a room, there are certain rules that should be followed by every man who walks in.

Rule #1: Eyes on the road. This means pay attention to where your feet are walking. If you bump into me in the pissroom, expect my initial reaction to break your nose. Most importantly, this applies to unshielded urinals. If it’s not attached to your body, your gaze (I could have intentionally misspelled it ‘gays’, you man-kissing douche) shouldn’t wander in it’s direction.

In case I’m being too subtle here, let me spell it out-quit checking out my dick. It’s bigger and more impressive than yours, I have no doubt, but if I catch you taking a peek you’ll find out very quickly what my knuckles taste like. This is undoubtedly the most important thing you need to remember. You should never know what another man’s penis looks like. Ever.

Rule #2: Shut the Eff Up. I don’t give a damn how your day is going, and I’m sure as Hell not going to converse about it in the pissroom. A simple head nod to acknowledge another man’s presence is sufficient. At a maximum, you may use up to two words. If you’re separated by a wall or stall of any sort, you are to pretend that the wall blocks all sound.

If you’re not comfortable enough with your own skinny ass to stand in silence for the 30 second piss, I’d like you to kill yourself. If you want a conversation while pissing or defecating, cut your danglies off and go lounge on the couch in the women’s pissroom. You’re absolutely not welcome in the men’s. You may answer your phone in the pissroom, but only if you’re alone, because it’s a funny joke to play on the person who called. You may not, however, place an outgoing call from a stall.

Finally, don’t give the stupid ass sniffle or foot tap to let the guy who just walked into the room that the stall is occupied. You’re a man, and your presence should be felt outside the stall. It should also warn off any men who also need to rock a twosie. If they yank on your stall door, you may say something but it had better not be “occupied”, or “someone’s in here”. No effing way, you douche. Don’t state the obvious. Try one of these little beauties: “are you serious?!”, “get your filthy, cock-rubbing hands off my door!”, or even the classic “are you effing retarded?!” line. Works every time.

Rule #3: Scoot up. This one’s more a pet peeve of mine than any real man law. If your tiny little prick isn’t long enough to drip into the urinal, you had better straddle the damn thing, because I’m tired of standing in a four foot wide puddle of piss. I get it, men like to pee on stuff, I do it too. Next time you’re over at your mother’s house, check the Northwest corner of the dining room. That brownish stain on the wall was just me, marking my territory. I mainly just pissed there because I wanted to, though.

Despite all that, if I slip in your pee puddle one more time, I’m going to break the universal “no touching” rule and throw your hairless ass facedown in the yellow pool. You’re a greasy little prick who’s going to get a golden bath.

If you still have questions about man rules in a public pissroom, don’t go in one. You’re going to end up blowing a trucker in the second to last stall, and nobody wants that. Consider this a favor. Learn to use the publc pissroom and the sky is the limit. If you can’t listen to your man instincts long enough to drop some bodily waste and get out, you may end up being that story on the news that everyone laughs at. Don’t be that guy. See you next week.