How To: Understand a Man

Cliff here. I’m going to switch it up this week and speak to my lady friends. Men, feel free to keep reading, but this is all stuff you already know or feel. For some strange reason, some women complain about how they can’t get any action from the guys in their life. When I hear a woman say something stupid like that, it leads to to one of three conclusions: she’s stupid, she’s HORRIBLY ugly, or she’s an evil, stuck-up harlot who isonly interested in herself. For a woman, getting tail is as simple as walking up to any guy around, and simply asking, “Will you have sex with me?” If he says no, he’s a liar.

For you girls out there who claim you’re not ugly and/or stupid (some of you are – that’s just statistics), and still can’t ever seem to play with Amanda Hugankiss, you’ve come to the right place (Sound it out – A Man da Hug and Kiss…if you’re just now getting it, maybe you really ARE too stupid and men are sick of hearing you try to make a coherent sentence. Think about it.). I’m here to crack this nut WIDE open on men and their motivations. To be honest, we’re all a little shocked you haven’t figured us out yet. Men are motivated exclusively by four things, in this order: Sex, Respect, Entertainment, Money. That’s it. Stop overthinking this, and don’t be stupid and say your man doesn’t care about x, y, or z. Yes he does. Shut up.

It’s pretty obvious that our number one motivation is sex. Ladies, if you have trouble grasping this point, as completely elementary as it may be, then take a second to replay a few conversations you’ve recently had with any man. It doesn’t matter if it’s your biological father, best friends’ brother, teacher, minister, or Dick Clark the stroke victim. There was at least one second in any conversation he’s had with a woman (even you)where his eyes lost focus, or they dropped to your supple bosoms and/or delightful haunches. If it’s someone to whom you’re related, chances are he isn’t thinking specifically about your body parts (although he might…), but his mind wandered, his eyes lost focus and he thought to himself, “I wonder what [insert woman's name here] would look like covered in neopolitan ice cream…”, or “Gosh, I’d like to bang [some woman's name or body part]!” I could insert an answer into either one of those brackets, and every man you’ve ever met could do the same in five seconds or less.

Respect is another one that should be self-evident to you ladies, but you’re all possibly a little dumber than we’ve been giving you credit for. You all like to tell stories about how your man is such a baby, because when he’s sick he just lays on the couch and depends on you to take care of him. YUP! It doesn’t get any more humiliating than you cleaning up our filth and bringing us food because we’re currently disagreeing with our bodies. Sometimes we’ll fake being sick, just to lay on the couch and make you run our errands. Surprise! In any case, start treating your man like the only thing standing between you and prostitution. He’s making money for you to be able to support your stupid extravagant lifestyle, and his mere presence is enough in most cases for other men to not offer you money in exchange for sex. You’re welcome. Plus he’s physically stronger and could kill you with his bear hands (not a misspelling), but restrains himself – even when you nag him out over how dirty his car is, or the fact that he wore black shoes with a brown belt. His self control is sometimes the only thing keeping you alive. Respect that.

On top of sex and respect, men will often do or say things simply to entertain themselves. In many cases, that entertainment will coincide with one of the other three major topics running through his head. Sex jokes make us laugh, so we tell them. Other men laugh and think we’re funny, so they respect us. Sometimes we tell jokes about prostitution, where sex and money come together, and gain us more respect. On a side note, I want to make a bumper sticker that says “Whoring: The Crossroads of Your Genitals and My Wallet.” Off topic, but still very important. Anyway, men do things strictly to humor our own damn selves. Sometimes when you say we’re being the World’s Biggest A$$hole, it’s because 1. It makes us laugh to tell you that we’ve been considering railing your sister for the past two years, and 2. “World’s Biggest” is a Hell of an achievement, and it feels good to be the best at something.

The last major motivator for men is money. We assign value to it because we had to work our asses off earn it. We’ll be damned if you can just toss a crapload of cash down the drain so you can have a purse made by some french guy (intentionally not capitalized because the french are bitches). If we DO decide to spring for some stupid thing that you just HAD to have, we fully expect to get something back. By “something”, I mean at LEAST two of the other things on this list. Tell us how much you respect that filthy nailing we just gave you, make us a sandwich, then scoot on back down to your knees for another go, because that effing purse cost $300. See you next week.