How To: Train An Animal

Cliff here. I was recently inspired to write about animals. A buddy of mine, we’ll call him “Pot Snalmer”*, confessed via text message that his dog pissed on his shoe and it occurred (here’s the good part) while he was wearing the shoe. This ultimate sign of contempt is generally reserved for defeated opponents, koalas, fat people, and ex girlfriends. Very rarely it’s used in the bedroom, as seen in relationships with R. Kelly (allegedly), or a fuh-reak.

The fact that his dog “Sucker”*, thought it would be even remotely acceptable to urinate on his “master’s” foot tells me two things. One, the dog is not respectful of boundaries and two, Mr. Snalmer* is a bitch. Literally the female dog kind of bitch. Since I’m speaking scientifically, if any of you bitches are offended at my usage of the word bitch, you need to take your bitch friends and hop in your bitchin’ ride. Cruise your bitch self and your bitch friends around town, bitching about how everyone always calls you a bunch of bitches.

Now that we have all that scientific jargon out of the way, let’s take a look at how this whole unfortunate pee episode could have been avoided.

The biggest mistake Pot* made is that ‘he’ refused or failed to establish dominance over the dog. Any hippie out there who wants an “animal companion” is not looking for a pet. They’re looking for a stupid beast to take the place of human relationships because nobody likes them. No matter what genus of animal, dominance should be established in the first 5-9 seconds after a formal introduction.

Here’s an example of how it should go:

Human: “Greetings. My name is Cliff. You must be Snuggles.”

Animal: *silence* (animals can’t talk)

Human: “I have opposable thumbs and the propensity for incredible acts of violence. Because of my superior reasoning ability, I can make and use tools, namely weapons, to exact that violence. I am petty and mean and you will submit to my authority.” (this should be accompanied by a cold, heartless gaze)

Animal: *rolls onto it’s back, exposing it’s soft, vulnerable underbelly and throat*

Human: “Here’s one for good measure!” *SLAP*

It’s important that the first time you hit your animal, you put everything you’ve got into the swing. If your animal is large or unlikely to be impressed with your girl strength, use a tool such as a baseball bat, 2×4, or lead pipe.

That’s Step One. I highly doubt Mr. Snalmer applied this properly. If Step One is performed correctly, the animal will very often need no other training, and many times may die from internal injuries (in which case you’ve just gotten dinner). If you have a stubborn, manly animal, however, they may require Step Two.

The second step consists of commands that bring either reward or punishment. For rewards, consider your animal to be a small child or stupid adult. Pat them on the head, and maybe tickle their belly, depending on how good they’ve been. Don’t show too much attention, or you’ll likely be where you’ve been with all the hot women in your life: the Friend Zone. You can’t do anything when you’re in the Friend Zone until you reestablish your power. Avoid this place at all costs. To reestablish power or for methods of punishment, refer back to Step One.

Follow these two simple steps until your animal follows you around, waiting on your every command. For some animals, this can be an iterative process. Fall back to Step One if necessary, moving back to Step Two whenever you have a firm grasp on control in the relationship. This has also been proven to work equally well with women, but is frowned upon in many areas because of hippie interest groups, namely PETA** and NOW** (National Organization of Women-sounds better than it is-really just an excuse for fat chicks to stop shaving their legs). Check the laws in your area, then disregard them as you see fit. See you next week.

* Names have been changed to keep the bitches from bitching.
** Names not changed because these people are documented bitches.