How To: Throw an Everyday Party

Cliff here. An everyday party for a guy is different from a Bachelor Party (note the capitalization). If you need help with one of those, check out this little gem. Otherwise, shutup.

Every man needs a castle. Your castle is your home base for eatin’, drinkin’, and whorin’. If you can’t chug an ice-cold beer while eating a turkey leg between the thighs of a Vietnamese hooker in your own house, you can forget about ever being happy. Some men just need their own four walls to get home after work and relax.

Some men like to throw parties. I’m not talking about any of those wine-tasting, appetizer-infested cockstravaganzas. A man party (instead of “man party”, it’s probably more accurate to call it “a party thrown by a man, where chicks dance around partially or totally naked, everyone gets drunk, and eventually Cliff bangs all the girls – even the one you brought AND her sister”) in short, is more appropriately named “Armageddon”. If you’re fond of your place, first of all you’re a sissy homemaking bitch, and second of all you shouldn’t be throwing Armageddon. If your friends aren’t a bunch of one-nutted kittens, there’s a 50-50 chance that at least one wall of your house will need to be replaced, and you’ll sure as Hell want to replace every single piece of furniture in what’s left of your place since the “working girls” will need to sit at some point.

The whole idea behind a party is to have a good time, and I don’t see any other way to do that without lighting at least one or two pieces of furniture and/or party guests on fire. It automatically ensures that they’ll provide some entertainment, and with any luck your fire department buddies may show up and help provide another essential element of a kick-ass bash: Water games.

Whether you decide to play one of my favorite party games – appropriately named “Riot!”, and take turns blasting each other with fire hoses, or make the world’s fastest and badassiest Slip ‘n Slide, fire trucks bring a whole new level of entertainment to any party thrown by a guy. Worst case scenario, you get to put on their bunker gear and kick in your neighbors’ doors. Awesome.

If you’ve seen “The Hangover”, you have a rough idea of how to throw an easygoing celebration. Stealing a tiger and pulling your own tooth? Awesome. Marrying a stripper? Worst idea ever. If these guys hadn’t been so low-key, though, they might have realized that said tiger would make a sweet ride to the nearest bar, and instead pulled the teeth of all the ladies at the party to facilitate a different kind of Slip ‘n Slide. Heh. Granny style. Nice.

If you’re throwing a little bash in your house, you don’t need to provide booze. Instead, make your guests bring liquor as part of their price of admission, as part of the scavenger hunt they went on before showing up. Rules: No buying anything – get criminal, each guy must bring five or more ladies – rated eight or above on a ten-point scale, and everyone must have a gun. There should be no set plans for the weapons at the start of the shindig, just let the night develop and see where the firearms take you.

Anyway, I’m done tossing out my pointers for now, I’ve got a party to get to. Whether your next bash turns out to be a shindig, hootenanny, hoedown, or even a run-of-the-mill jamboree, follow the tips above to make sure it’s at least a little bit memorable for the ladies for some other reason than they finally got railed by a man. You should be that man, unless I’m there, in which case, you may as well settle back on the couch and watch some ESPN, because I’m not gonna be done with your girls for a while. See you next week.

Category: Featured, How To: Your Guide to Being a Man