How To: Storm a Castle

Cliff here. If you read the title and are thinking that “storming castles” is slang for “breaking down women’s mental and emotional barriers in order to try your penetrate her love-cave”, then you’re partially right. That’s a funny and more abstract interpretation, but today we’re dealing with ACTUAL castles. If you’re disappointed about that, and have no idea how to get in the pants of various chickses, check out this post. If you don’t know of any castles in your area, you’re probably a surburbanite yuppie. Cut that out. Or you could always try to redeem your business-casual ass by storming any of the office buildings around your place of business.

If, on the other hand, you’ve been wondering about the best way to infiltrate the castle down the street, look no further. Your man-meat and two veggies entitle you to basically take anything you want by using force. It’s your God-given right, and if that douche sitting in his fortress thinks his plunder is safe, he’s about to learn otherwise. Besides, it’s about time you had your own castle.

To gain access to another man’s palace, you can take one of two routes, both equally badass. The classic full-on assault is pretty sweet, and you can guarantee that every woman in town will be out there to watch you batter down your rivals’ surrounding walls. Try not to kill too many of his villagers, since those bitches will be working for you in 24 hours. You’ve got to think practically while slaughtering some of his serfs.
If you want to have a little fun with arts and crafts before storming his citadel, consider making a catapult or two, at least one trebuchet, and a few battering rams. Remember that he’s bound to have at least a couple archers, so make sure you’re well armored, and that your war machines are resistant to boiling tar and gayishness. Getting shot through with a poison arrow stings a little, and you don’t want anything to interfere with your post-victory celebration.  Do youu think Super Bowl celebrations can get out of control? You’ve obviously never been to one of my Palace Liberation Parties, where the castle’s ladies finally get their sticky, naughty hands on a real man while serving up delicious nacho dip and hot wings.

Method number two (Heh…number two…) to take over that castle is to do it under cover of darkness, ninja-style. Full frontal assaults are pretty great (as a rule, anything described as “full frontal” tends to be fairly awesome), but sneaky assassinations are also rife with badassery. Throw on your ninja suit and grab your shurikens, because it’s time for a little bit of infiltration. Leap over the wall when the guards are looking the other way and choke them out with your shoelaces for complete silence. When morning comes, all the fighting men in the compound are dead, and all the ladies are still bathed in sweat from the “injections” they’ve all received. Awesome.

Anyway, give it a shot. If you prefer one method over the other, no worries. Just get your girlish ass a few plundered castles under your belt, and you’ll be a man in no time. If you happen to be considering storming one of my numerous castles, you might want to think again. I don’t have a wall or a moat, because I don’t need them. I will strait up cut a bitch. See you next week.