How To: Skin a Cat

Cliff here. I’ve heard it said that there’s more than one way to skin a cat. If I’ve heard it from you, there’s a good chance my bright red handprint is still fresh on your face. I don’t apologize for anything, and I sure as Hell won’t apologize for bitch-slapping a bitch. Bitches get stitches. I would now like to take this chance to address your audible gasps of disapproval. Piss off.

For all you bleeding-heart liberal fairy princesses, the term “bitch” has become asexual. I don’t go around hitting women, but I’m not gonna let a bitch (man or woman) remain unpunished. It’s like telling Kate Beckinsale not to be hot. She can drink the blood out of my Underworld (again) anytime she likes. She’s also not going to quit being luscious, and I’m not going to stop eradicating bitchness in all its forms.

Bitchness is best (worst?) expressed in cat lovers. The feline is the most worthless animal on the planet. Anyone who owns a cat or admires the common housecat is most likely not having intercourse with a human of the opposite sex. When I say ‘cat’, it very obviously excludes the big cats. Anything over 100lbs. is not longer a cat-we’ve moved into the realm of fierce animal death ninjas. Lions, tigers, and their large cousins are legitimate creatures. Your stupid tabby Ginger is only good for a tiny amount of meat and fur. Consider the difference between your gay little air-powered pellet gun and this .45 Magnum that I type with. One is a legitimate threat and the other just annoys everyone around.

To skin a cat, there is only one method worth considering-the Man Yank. I know the name sounds like the method your mother uses to put food on the table, but it’s a fairly effective way of removing skin and/or fur from basically any animal. It’s just more fun with housecats because they are the worst creatures on the planet (except for ticks).

Our lawyers said that I have to specify that the animal is “legally obtained” and “humanely sacrificed”, whatever the eff that means. Alive or dead, though, it doesn’t really affect the skinning method. Grasp the feline around the neck with your left hand, making sure your hand is seated firmly against the jawbone. Bite off all four paws and save them for later. If strung on a chain, they make great necklaces for your kids. Grab the tail of the whiny animal and yank fairly hard. The skin slides right off, and you’re left with a tiny bit of meat for a snack as well as a funny tail that you can attach to your hat or just use to hit things with. That’s humor.

Anyway, leave your hippie/gay/ignored comments below or send an email to Dirk@straitpinkie.com. I hope you feel enlightened. Get a dog. See you next week.