How To: Ride A Shark

Cliff here. I watch Discovery Channel. I know I really only need about three channels. I have 742. I’m a man. I don’t care that I only watch ESPN, History Channel, and Discovery. I want those other channels, and dammit, I’m going to have them.

Shark Week on Discovery is one of the greatest weeks of television all year long. Watching the graceful undersea killers a month or so back inspired me to accomplish my latest goal: riding a shark. I didn’t want to just sit on a Great White, I decided to use a shark as a mode of transportation. Here’s how you can do it, too.

First, you have to leave your vaheena on the beach. You’re going to be tussling with a creature DESIGNED for marine dominance. Fast, sleek, and deadly. Sharks are the men of the seas.

If you want to ride a shark, the second thing you need to do is find an appropriate specimen. I know the Nurse Shark sounds like a hot little number in scrubs, but it’s a boring, relatively tame animal. Find yourself a Tiger Shark or Great White. Aggression and size are key to a good underwater steed. I found myself a 17 ft. Tiger Shark and couldn’t be happier.

Gain your creature’s respect. This can be done in a variety of ways. I chose the Flex and Stare Method (F&S) for simplicity. If your tinkerbell ass doesn’t already know the F&S, it consists of removing your shirt and glaring into the soul of your opponent(s), while tightening your muscles to the hardness of diamonds. It should be second nature to you by now, but you’ve obviously chosen to take baby steps (or fairy prances) in your quest for manhood.

Finally, when your shark has submitted to your will, inform it that you are hungry. It will hunt and return momentarily with a snack to munch as you sharkride to your destination. That’s it. It’s fairly simple and easy to ride a shark. Remember to hug with your knees, and don’t be afraid to hop off every now and then to tussle with your new pet. Some games you could play are ‘Who Can Bite the Hardest’, and/or ‘Whale Killer’, where the first one to kill and eat a whale wins. Good times.

Nevertheless, take care of your shark and it will take care of you. Don’t be unnecessarily cruel, but more importantly don’t withhold a deserved beating. Cliff would be tough but fair, and you should be too. See you next week.