How To: Raise Children/Be a Father

Cliff here. I’m telling you that it’s going to happen eventually. Your mistake of an ex-girlfriend (we’ll call her Bertha) will call you up, tell you that you’ve knocked her up, and ask for your money and/or time. There’s really no other alternative to this scenario, unless you get “married”, or die very young. If you must decide between marriage and death, I’m not sure which is preferable. Still, what’s done is done, and you’re about to be a father, no matter how much your own father thinks you can’t take care of yourself. The sex of the child is going to determine your parenting strategy. Boys are easy, we’ll get to them later. Let’s cover what to do in the worst-case scenario: you have a daughter.

Girls are bad news, we’ve known this since showing our pee-pee to little Sally when we were 4, and finding out she didn’t have the meat and two veg. That same bizarre little alien body of hers will drive you crazy just a few short years later, leading you to the predicament you’re in. Let’s start at the beginning. Sit down, breathe deeply. This isn’t the best thing to ever happen to you, but evidently you’ll think so in a few years. Your job is to keep the next generation from being as stupid and worthless as you. Good luck.

Babies aren’t that much of a problem. When you’re taking care of one, just pretend you’re caring for your own self when you’re sick. They can’t function on their own, and cry when something doesn’t feel right. A real man doesn’t even get sick, he just increases his body temperature high enough to destroy whatever bacteria or viruses (virii? viri? virusees?) have invaded his body. Learn. Anyway, when they cry check the same four things your wife or girlfriend checks when you’re sick: diaper, food, burp/fart, and sleep. Repeat them like a mantra if you have to, but generally they fall in that order.

Little girls are much tougher to care for when they’re in their larval stage. Once they learn to talk, your life is basically over. Your real test comes in resisting the tricks of one of the world’s most deceptive and manipulative creatures. When she asks for whatever it is that she wants, immediately close your eyes and plug your ears. Yell “NO! YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE!”, or something appropriately vague, take her hand, and walk her away. She’s like Medusa-if you look at her, you’re screwed. This doesn’t really get better until she’s old enough that you can distract yourself by thinking of her hot friends-right about college. The Boy Scouts have never steered me wrong, and I’m telling you the same thing: Be Prepared.

Of course, you’re going to fail at this multiple times, probably more often than not. You’ll probably blame your lack of willpower on the little girl cuteness, but I find it easier to blame you. Every other failure in your life is your fault, why not this one too? Anyway, once she gets old enough that boys start to notice her, your job gets easier, because then you don’t have to use your words anymore. Anger is a powerful tool. Parents all over the world know how effective  it can be when resisting your daughter’s impulses. Harness the rage and direct it at her potential boyfriends. You probably can’t physically harm them (check your local laws, you might get lucky), but you sure as Hell can scare their lusting wieners right back up inside their bladder.

Once she settles down, gets married, and loses her virginity (IN THAT ORDER), you can relax and let her be someone else’s problem, just as long as her hubby isn’t anything like you. In that case, consider assassination or kidnapping. Still, if she likes him, he probably isn’t anything like you, since there’s no way another human could enjoy your company. Rest easy.

Raising a boy is so much simpler. When he’s a baby, treat him like a baby. Once he can walk and talk, discipline becomes much easier. Spanking isn’t just fun, it’s essential for a young boy to develop naturally. I still remember when I became a man-it wasn’t when I lost my V-card to my teacher in fourth grade-it was when my dad whipped my ass because he had told me to stop crapping in all my diapers. Just to test him, I tried it one more time. As a two year old, I didn’t think he would follow through on that threat, but I underestimated my dad for the last time that day. He broke a 2×4 on my ass, and we looked at each other and laughed. I had sprouted hair over all my body. I can never thank my father enough-he literally beat the man into me. That’s your job with your boy.

Be tough but fair, he’ll understand and appreciate it. If you do, then your firstborn son will make your death quick and relatively painless when he takes your throne. Roman style inheritance-earning your money by taking it from your dad’s lifeless fingers-is proof that you deserve it. I still remember my dad looking at me with the light fading from his eyes, and telling me that he was impressed. He did NOT expect the bear trap/guillotine/flamethrower combination. I finally made him proud. Your job is to raise your kid so you’re just as proud when he takes over. See you next week.