How To: Put On a Fireworks Display (Show America’s Dom-MAN-ance)

Cliff here. Happy birthday America. Men are patriotic, after all.  The blood and sweat of men is what makes this country great. And guns. Guns help make us great, too.

Over the weekend, I had a chance to experience a few fireworks shows. They must have been set off by women or terrorists. Small, safe explosions that generated zero shock and minimum awe. I decided to show my love for the good ‘ol U.S. Of A. by putting on a man show of explosions. Next year, you should do the same if you want to show your neighbor’s hot, unsatisfied wife the size of your…patriotism. Here’s how to manhandle a fireworks display for any occasion, whether on the Fourth, or because you just uprooted a tree with your bare hands.

First, open your wallet. If there’s less than a grand in there, you either need to get a new job as an assassin or rob a bank. Both pay reasonably well, and both are man jobs. Use your cash to buy everything you’ll need on the black market. Russian missiles, check. German landmines, check. Most importantly, U.S. hardware. We have the best munitions in the world, why wouldn’t your celebration be heavily skewed to American ammo?

Second, find a nice open field. If you happen to live in a metropolitan area, go to the Ikea up the street and MAKE a nice open field. One SCUD detonated at ground level should do the trick. And for goodness sake, make sure you pull the fire alarm and give ample evacuation time before destroying a building. There’s nothing ruder than killing civilians when it’s not necessary.

Third, call your buddies. Make it clear that it’s their responsibility to bring the booze, since you had to smuggle weapons into the country. No Bud Light, though. Only Bud Natural, or the appropriately titled American Ale. It IS our country’s birthday, after all.

Finally, and arguably the most important step, remove your shirt. Those crunches and car dead lifts you’ve been doing haven’t been in vain. Now is your time to shine. If no ladies are around, you’re probably unattractive. Try pumping some of your musk onto the breeze. They’ll flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

Start with a bang, end with a window-shattering boom. If you’ve picked your artistic media well, you can’t go wrong here. Some quick hints: relive the Persian Gulf war (shoot a SCUD at something, then destroy it in midair with the more effective and manly Patriot missiles), play North Korea (make a ridiculous amount of noise with the oldest, least effective weapons you have, all while talking crazy), or pretend to be Israel (have 7-8 “friends” work as a team to blow you up, as you destroy them all completely in a disproportionately short amount of time. Then take their land.).

Happy American Day, everyone. Follow my advice to be the best patriot you can be, and always remember that everyone else in the world would sell their children to be an American. The least you can do is show them the overwhelming dominance of our firepower.