How To: Pleasure a Woman

Cliff here. I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. You pansies can do what you wish. Now that I have that off of my chest we can continue.

I’ve had a few dozen emails from readers who want to know which moves could net them the most points in the sack with the ladies. I’ve also had a couple emails from one or two guys who are so gay that they fart glitter, but I haven’t bothered reading all those. If you have ever had a man inside your body, I’m telling you to stop reading these articles. Fix that whole “I love wiener” thing you’ve got going on, and when you’ve finally realized that your gayness doesn’t get you as much attention as you’d like, come back and talk to me. I’ll point your gaping ass in the right direction, but I’m going to guarantee that I’ll be uncomfortable around you. My eyes are up here, pickle sniffer.

Allow me to insert this little disclaimer: the title of the article is completely wrong, it should read, “How to Be Pleasured by a Woman”. I say “allow me to insert this disclaimer” like I care what you think. I’ll insert this disclaimer andywhere I damn well want to, including the mouth of the woman who birthed you. Speaking of that foul-mouthed harlot, sex is made for men; otherwise women wouldn’t have to try so hard to get off. I realize there’s a good amount of overlap in this article with How to Pick Up a Woman, but given that every waking minute of your day is probably consumed with this sex thing all your buddies are talking about, I figured I’d make sure the topic was covered thoroughly.

I have no doubt in my mind that at least a few of you boys have been with a woman. That’s Bush League, because “woman” is singular. If at least one woman thinks you’re not too much of a troll to bang, chances are you could sleep with others. Most likely, your biggest anchor is your own stupidity.Consider your throbbing salami to be a product that you’re selling. Your best marketing campaign is through word of mouth: put that thing in enough mouths while keeping them interested, and they’ll tell their friends. That’s publicity you need.

The first thing you have to know is that women don’t have just one type of turn on. I’ll start you out with the Big Three: physical attraction, spite, and money. Money is the easiest one of the bunch. Drop a few hundy on a girl, and you’ve basically guaranteed that you can put something attached to your body into at least one of her orifices. It’s so easy, in fact, that some women make their living by getting “turned on” through this route. You probably lost your virginity to a hooker when your dad realized that your chances of getting laid were slightly worse than his chances of getting your mom to suck him off like she used to back in college. If finding out that your dad paid a woman to have sex with you hurts your feelings, then it’s basically proof that he was right. Appreciate the gift of a loving father.

Physical attraction is the least important of the three turn ons for women. Want proof? Look how much Billy Bob Thornton gets laid. He got to have sex with Angelina Jolie, but he only pulled it off because it was before she was super hot and after she was crazy. That’s a weird combination. If you want more proof, see hot chicks with douchebags. Still, I’m betting ‘Ol Billy Bob was riding the wave of one of the other two of the Big Three Turn Ons. My money is on spite. Basically, all you have to do is get a woman to think that her best enemy wants to hop on your Pogo Stick. Nine times out of ten, the first woman will do all she can just to butter up your cob before that other bitch. If you work it right, you can have both of them at the same time, fighting over you during the actual physical act of sex. That move is a little advanced for most of you bald-scroted little bitches, but if you can pull it off, it’s legendary.

Physical attraction is something that women fall back on when they can’t point to any other reason that they like or don’t like a guy. If you’re an ugly bastard, women will still sleep with you, unless you’re just not rich or interesting. If you’re ugly, find a great cover story. Make up some badass tale about how you were on your way to bang the girl’s friend/enemy, when you were hit by the team bus for the New York Yankees. Spin that fairy-tale yarn until she believes that your settlement from “The Accident” has left you with enough cash that you don’t care what she spends it on, so long as your knob is kept brightly polished.

"I don't celebrate Valentine's Day, but these little hamsters celebrating it is hilarious."

Put something together in your own mind, now that you know women’s true motivation for sex. They see it as a tool to get what they want; the trick is to make them think that YOUR tool will help them get whatever it is they want. See you next week.