Cliff here. Despite my sound advice, I still am amazed at the sheer lack of manitude in today’s world. In an effort to address areas where I continue to observe a vaccum of manliness from you sissies, I’m going to cover a crap ton of topics today. Basically because you’re all still a bunch of bitches, I’m going to simplify your man training today. To learn more about the topics I’ll cover today, email me at dirk@straitpinkie.com. I’ll learn you up through email. You’re already taking internet courses at your community college, anyway.

How To:

Kill a puma

With your bare hands, sissy. If you’re a real man, you tear that kitty apart with your bear hands.

Leap tall buildings in a single bound

Step one, look up. Step two, look around to ensure an audience of adoring ladies. Step three, jump.

Reverse “Climate Change”

It’s a myth. Grow a pair and stop worrying about how your actions affect others.  These “others” you’re concerned about should be curled up in their bed, hugging their knees and terrified about what you’re going to do next.

Go Camping

Men don’t camp. They sleep outside, but that’s because they are hunting. If you have a $300 tent, bring steaks and beer and get drunk around a fire, leave the damn tent at home. The elements should be looking for shelter from you, not the other way around.

Cut Down a Tree

Similar to camping.  If you want to use a tool like an axe or machete, fine. I don’t.  I make a fist and punch holes in the tree until it breaks at the perforated line I just inserted in the trunk.

Buy a Car

Forget about haggling over price.  Walk into the dealership, make threatening eye contact, and point at the vehicle you want. Tell the greasy salesman what you’re going to pay, and wait for them to cave to your offer, or die from your withering gaze. Either scenario works out fine. If they want to try to be a hardass, the death you just served up will motivate the next salesweasel to cooperate.

Eat Chicken Wings

With sauce. This “breaded hot wing” fad is for women. If you can’t handle getting your fingers and face a little messy, you’re not going to be able to properly satisfy a woman. Consider it a dress rehearsal.

Use a Public Pissroom

If you’re just in there to put back some of the coffee/beer/liquor you’ve been drinking (and those are the only acceptable drinks for a self-respecting man), get your business done without eye contact or conversation. If you’re in the pissroom to rock a twosie, forget about hovering over the toilet seat to avoid catching something. Gay men and women hover. Plant your ass on the seat and let the next guy worry about what you’ve left behind. Avoid the “wide stance”, and you don’t need soap to wash your hands after just a piss. If you have to use the sink, a little water should wash off whatever is on your hands. If your noodle is dirty enough that you need to wash your hands, consider raising your standards for women. I know I’m going to have to expand on this topic, because of the blatant disregard for man laws in the pissroom. Wait for the follow-up next Manday.

Keep Up to Date on the Latest Celebrity Fashion

Wow you’re gay.

That’s all I feel like helping for now. Learn to think for yourself, like a real man. If you still can’t figure out what you should instinctually know, based on the swinging hog and apples between your legs, then I’ll see you next week.