How To: Lightning Round Two

Cliff here. In response to the earth-shattering reaction to the first How To: Lightning Round, here’s another bunch of topics. Don’t be a bitch, read them all. There’s a good chance one of these is something that applies to you. If you have a topic you’d like covered in the next Lightning Round, send it to dirk@straitpinkie.com. Listen up, because here’s How To:

Wrestle a Grizzly.
Avoid the massive, swiping Paws of Death. Grab the bear around the waist and/or neck. Squeeze. The point of the exercise isn’t to kill the animal, that’s too easy. Attempt to keep the bear awake and fighting. He or she should eventually surrender to your overwhelming manness/awesomeness and all of a sudden, you have the badassiest pet in town.

Invest In the Stock Market.
This one’s easy. Pick your favorite company or a few that you’re interested in, and know their business (Smith & Wesson and Trojan were my top two), and buy as many as you can afford. Go to their shareholder meeting and make sure they realize your massive potential for violence and utter contempt for incompetence. Go home and watch the money roll in.

Shop.
Think about what you want. Go to a store that carries that product. Buy that product. Notice I didn’t say anything about walking around comparing prices or taking a friend along to make a day of it. Alternatively, this is a great way to get rid of your woman for the day. Give her money, tell her what you want, and nothing more. She’ll spend the entire day dancing around a mall, comparing prices and appreciating your trust. If she does not get the items or manages to buy more than you want, emotionally destroy her. Next time she’ll be more careful. The one exception to this rule is large purchases. If you’re buying a car, TV, or house, get your ass off the couch and refer to How To: Get a Job. The same principles apply when negotiating for a raise or bringing the price down on a kickass flat screen TV. Sack up.

Become a Recognized Worldwide Trendsetter in Fashion and Art.
You can’t be serious. This is the gayest request anyone has ever asked me to comment on. Here are a few pointers:

• Reach up into your intestines and pull down your balls, which have obviously never descended from your childhood.
• Put on some jeans, boots, and a comfortable flannel shirt (see picture above).
• Stop being gay.

Slap a Bitch Up.
Alright, now I’m pretty sure someone out there on the electronic mail circuit is effing with me. Why would you ever hit your woman? It’s unnecessary, and it damages the goods. If you have to hit a woman, it’s because you’re a douchy wanker who can’t control her with your manness. You either suck in bed or you are upset about your penis size. If you have to hit her, send her my way. It will take exactly three seconds for me to establish my dominance over your girl, all possible because she respects me. Women know you’re physically stronger, that’s never been debatable. She respects your more if you DON’T hit her. You’re a cockbite.

Be a Philanderer.
Bang married chicks. Stupid question.

Run From the Cops.
At this point, I’m pretty worried about our reader base. From gayness to girl-beating to stupidity, I’m going to need one of you dickweeds to be a real man. Just one. To answer the question, you should never run from the cops, the cops should run from you. If they’re chasing you, then they obviously don’t realize the destructive capability of your left and right fists. You don’t see anyone trying to detain Chuck Norris. That’s not because he’s never done anything “illegal”, it’s because none of the 62 countries in which he’s a wanted man have the manpower to bring him down. If thee police KNOW the capability of both of your fists and still aren’t frightened, you’re a vaheena, and you need to make a muscle.

That’s it for now, try applying some manness to your life today. You’ll be amazed at how much easier it is to be a man than to be a pimply little scapegoat like yourself. See you next week.