How To: Handle a Scandal

Cliff here. Despite my unwillingness and disinterest in all things that pertain to celebrities and public personas, it’s literally impossible to not hear about who slept with who else and why what’s-his-name railed a male prostitute in a park bathroom. First of all, that’s sick. Quit being such a bunch of degenerate retards. If you’re offended at my use of the word “retard”, let me know at dirk@straitpinkie.com, and I’ll come to your house and shove my middle finger through your eyeball. I’m effing sick to death of people who get offended at every little word, and forget that there are bigger problems than what word is inappropriate at the moment. For instance, I’m bringing back the word “honky”. It’s a hilarious word, and words never hurt anyone, meanwhile funny words like “honky” shouldn’t be thrown in the proverbial garbage because someone got offended.

The word shouldn’t bother you, it’s the meaning and hate that can be worked throughout a politically correct term just as easily. Unless you’re a Caucasian being violently attacked by another ethnicity while they try to beat you with a club carved in the shape of the word, the word “honky” is not the issue. If you find yourself in this situation, just punch the other person in the throat and taunt them for their douchebaggery.

Still, despite all my hatred for political correctness, it seems to be the one thing that celebrities, politicians, and the public in general expect from someone embroiled in a scandal. I honestly don’t care if Tiger Woods was banging his dead grandmother; it’s none of my damn business, any more than it’s yours. For everyone out there who is crying that he’s a role model for millions of children, I have this to say to those children and their parents: You will never be a golfer as good as Tiger. Learn a trade and be good at that, instead of wasting your stupid childhood trying to live up to someone else’s reputation and legacy. If you want to be a great golfer, fine, just don’t go basing all your hopes and dreams on someday making an eagle putt to win the Masters. It’s not going to happen.

To put the public at ease about your recent affair, or explain yourself after being caught making a quick buck on some insider trading or if your Jim Tressel, just follow these simple steps.

1. Call a presser. It’s surprising enough that anyone even gives a flying fart what you think or do, so bask in the glory of the dozens of people you’ve disappointed. On top of that, there’s usually some sort of free food and drink, and tons of hot reporter broads to help mend your broken heart.
2. Say these words, verbatim (that means “exactly”, jackass): “I don’t care what you a-holes think, and it’s none of your damn business what I do on my own time. If I need to apologize, it’s not to you mindless leeches, and any one of you would have done the same thing in my shoes. Piss off.”
3. Make intimidating eye contact with every single person in the room. It doesn’t matter if this takes a few seconds or 2 hours. Say nothing except the script I’ve conveniently written for you in #2, and stare in silence into the eyes of every reporter, making sure not to forget the people who’re catering the free food and drink from #1. Worst case scenario: they’re so intimidated that you get to go home with an entire platter of free finger food. Best case scenario: one of the caterers is smoking hot, and you get to bang her on top of an entire platter of free finger food. Awesome.

Keep in mind that you don’t owe anything to anyone. You really don’t need to hold the presser, but it’s a fun way to get some free crap, and chances good that at least one of the reporters is a hot little Hispanic number who thinks your wiener can win her a Pulitzer. In that instance, do everything you can to convince her that you’re a bigger deal than you really are. See you next week.