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How To: Grow a Beard

guy with truck in tree How To: Grow a BeardCliff here. Beards have always been awesome. Now everyone is talking about them because of the gosh darn Boston Red Sox. But know, just like anything else, I was doing this beard thing long before anyone else. That picture of me is misleading concerning my love for my man beard, but then again that picture was taken on my thirteenth birthday. The very next day I woke up with a full beard, ready to face the world.

A man’s worth isn’t necessarily tied directly to his facial hair, but rather his lack of concern for the cares of society. It doesn’t matter to me what my employer demands that I do or don’t wear. The rules simply don’t apply to me, since it’s called a “dress code”. I don’t wear dresses, and my employer respects that he’s not really in charge of what I do. When I worked as a mechanic, I did it because I fix things. If you can’t tell a spark plug from an alternator, reach way up inside and pull your testicles down so they hang in your sack like they’re supposed to.

A man doesn’t grow a beard because he thinks he should, or even because it makes you look like a badass (it absolutely does). He sprouts hair because we’re made in the image of God. The Good Lord absolutely rocks His own facial hair. Rather than disappointing your Maker, here’s what you can do in order to look like Chuck Norris in no time.

  1. Throw away your “electric razor”. It’s not a razor, it’s a bunch of tiny scissors designed to leave you silky smooth without irritating your skin. If that doesn’t sound gay to you, pull your tongue out of your boyfriend’s mouth and think about it for a while. You’ll get it.
  2. Forget about sculpting your face. If you do this, move to France. At least then we can keep an eye on all you fairies, and corral you into one place. ‘Men’ who spend any amount of time shaping their hair (facial or pubic) make Elton John all giggly and aroused, and work to validate that one homo from the Backstreet Boys. Enough said.
  3. Stop being such a bitch. If you still don’t have a manbeard within hours of following steps 1 and 2, it’s because instead of oozing testosterone through the pores in your face that then solidify and turn into wiry manhair, you’ve chosen to squeeze estrogen out your skinholes. You probably have floppy wrists and smell like Massengill. Cut it out.
  4. Shave when you feel like it. You don’t have to have a beard all the time, but your face should threaten beardiosity every second of every day. If you want to keep the hair on your face then keep it, but your 5 o’clock shadow should darken the sun at all times.

If you still can’t grow a beard after following these steps, reach down and rub around between your legs. If there’s nothing dangling down there, you’re a woman. If you had to take your hand out of your pants to use the computer then you’re probably a guy, and it’s about time you moved the mouse to your left hand and surfed for some porn. See you next week.

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  1. How To: Hunt a Man | straitpinkie.com - December 7, 2009

    […] being such a sissy bitch. I know I say this a lot, but look at yourself. You haven’t ever grown a damn beard, you’re “BFFs” with the hottest chick you know (and have never banged her), you […]

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